May 18, 2011

Feel Crazy Lately

I don't know. Well, I do know one thing. Mother Nature made a visit last week and literally the day before...I was a beast. I was mean and moody and cranky. It was awful. I admit. I needed a good spanking.

Finally my husband had had enough. He took me upstairs, told me to remove my pants and he sat on the bed. I went over his knees. He walloped me HARD. I fought. I sassed. I got my butt worn out! (ok, for me, maybe not some of you out there). I was not being respectful. He asked me why I wasn't answering with 'sir' and I said 'because I don't want to!'. Ok, not my brightest moment! Bet you can't guess what I got as an answer to that? Yep, really hard painful swats. Was I saying sir by the end? Your darn right I was!

I finally broke at one point and told him something that had bothered me since Wednesday. Well I got 20 swats for lying about there being anything wrong!

I needed it though. I really did. I was on the verge of a volcanic eruption of epic proportions.

And you know what? I thought it was enough, but now I know it wasn't. He should have kept going until I was totally broken I think. IDK!

So then Sunday, maintenance day, he paddled me in the morning. I just wanted to get it over with so we could enjoy the rest of the day. Oh, that stupid thin balsa wood paddle that he uses rapid fire and stings like ants! He knows I hate that thing! I think that one is better for quicker spankings, not longer ones where I am being punished or just need an attitude adjustment.

Then, I was being smart for most of the day and he was in a 'swinging mood' and I must have had about another 3 smaller spankings. Then he was in the bathroom. The door was pulled to, but not fully closed. I was talking about something, being bratty. He shut the door all the way. Well...I kicked it. (I KNOW!!! I WASN'T THINKING) Needless to say, he yells out

'that's 10'

"why? I was playing"

'no you weren't, that's 20. go pick an instrument'

"I don't want to" (what the heck is wrong with me?!!!)

'That's 30, go pick and instrument'

"this isn't fair!"

'that's 50, you want to keep going?'

So I go get the spatula, the least of the evils. He takes me OTK on the couch and whacks me 50 times hard. Ouch! I hate those things. After Friday and all the little spankings and now this...I was sore.

Sooo, I settled down a bit after that.

Here's the point though. I think I haven't been getting enough. I am not bad though. He has no reason to punish me, which I don't want anyway. However, maintenance is either not enough in and of itself or I need more than one day or maybe a random out-of-the-blue spanking. He called the Friday one a 'level-setting' spanking. I hadn't really been spanked hard in a while. I think I was beginning to feel less like he was in charge. Even though I know he will spank me if I go to far. IDK. I just feel off lately. Not as in control of who I am supposed to be. He's been strict with me, he has. He mostly is with bedtime. He's starting to use that as a punishment.

I guess I feel a little like Rogue, should I start bratting? No, I know...that's not fair. Actually, I don't try, it just sort of starts to happen.

Oh well. At least I have maintenance. LOL

May 5, 2011

A Dream

Anyone who really knows me knows that I love dreams. Dreaming is one of my favorite things. I don't always remember them, but when I do, it makes me happy. Only a handfull of times in my life have I ever had a dream where it upset me. Most people feel they just dream and typically literally about the day's events or a movie they just watched or something. Some people feel they only dream when someone dies. Some people feel the they don't dream at all (although we know everyone has to to stay sane). I dream based on my emotions.

When I was growing up, dreams were very important to me. Due to my background, like others in this world, a lot of things were very stressful.  Most of that stress I kept inside. I was a very emotional child...on the inside. What I showed on the outside probably looked very normal.

I also have a fascination with weather. I love weather, always have. Tornados in particular fascinate me. I think it may be for this reason that when I am very stressed, I dream about tornados. Always have and I suppose I always will.

When I was growing up, I dreamt about tornados quite frequently and had one dream in particular that was a recurring dream. Later, when a particularly stressful relationship issue was resolved, the dream went away. After about 18 years of dreaming the dream, it never came back. That stress trigger was resolved. So yes, dreams, and in particular those with tornados in them mean something to me. They mean I am at the pinnacle of stress for that period of time. When the dream is over, it's almost a calm that comes over me. They're like friends helping me through. It's not upsetting to me. I always want to know what triggered it that time though and what the particular way the tornado came about in the dream meant for whatever triggered it.

Now, last Thanksgiving, we had to put our only baby girl dog down. She had cancer. We had her for 12 years. She was a valentine's present from hubby. It was a terrible loss to us.

Ever since Maia passed, she comes to me in my dreams when I'm sad. The first time she came, she was her adult self and she came to me, I petted her and then she turned and ran off into the grass. There she had changed into a puppy and was playing with other puppies. I figured this was her way of telling me she was ok. Since then, she's come to me about 4 other times.

Why am I telling you about the tornado and dog dreams?

Things have been kind of stressful recently. Friends broke, friends sick, relatives of friends dying, work  tasks, Mother's Day coming, upcoming medical stuff, work around the house, parents losing jobs, family members sick, the national stage of this country, gas prices, issues with maintaining friendships, my attempt to understand who God thinks I am so I know who I am, to feel the Glory of God. In the past couple of weeks, everything just seems hopeless, although I don't really feel hopeless. I really thought I was handling stuff better. Anyway, apparently not.

I had a dream last night.

In the dream, we were in the house, family and friends. I got a feeling that the tornado was coming. I looked out the window just in time to see the funnel cloud come down. In fact, 5 funnel clouds came down. I ran to the closet in the middle of the house and screamed for eveyone to get in the closet. But no one moved. Everyone just looked at me. I screamed the that tornados were coming to get in the closet. No one moved. They just told me there were no tornados. I finally came out of the closet to look outside to prove that they were there, but when I got to the window, they were gone. It was simply raining.

Then Maia came to me. She walked toward me and looked at me. I petted her and she walked off. I awoke after that.

Now, I have never had a tornadic dream where no one saw the tornado but me. There is never rain in these dreams. I have never had a tornado and Maia in the same dream.

It bothered me a little. What did it mean? I told Dutch about it. Here is what he surmised.

He said that he thought that naturally with everything lately, I am stressed, but he thinks the stress in this dream is localized. He thinks that the trouble I was having with the DD world friends and me trying to push them away, getting scared, etc...is why. I haven't felt worthy in God's eyes either. He said he thinks me seeing the tornados is chaos, the chaos of the events. The fact that no one sees it but me is simply that people don't see me like I see me. They see it as I am fine. They love me as their friends and God loves me too. Me dealing with it caused the trigger. I think there is merit in this theory. Maia coming to me was to tell me that know matter what, it will all be ok. That I am fine. I will be fine.

There is a comfort in this. It helps me to think that I might just be worthy and that things will be ok.

So while I was at first a little disturbed, I am now comforted. My baby came to me and told me that the chaos will go away, it will all be ok.

Tonight, I will sleep well. Which means though, that tonight, I may not dream...I'm ok with that.