Apr 25, 2011

A funny and not so funny day

S, first, thank you to all who commented on my last blog. I am feeling much better. Not perfect. Just better.

Second, I got my backside peppered.

So Dutch was out of town this weekend. He came home Sunday to find out what I had done, or attempted to do.

What you ask?

Just tried to push two friends out here in blogland away. I was scared. Scared because I am becoming good friends with them. Scared of what that means. Scared they may hurt me. So I push away before that can happen. I have trust issues. We all know that. So I tried to cut them off. In the process I hurt them.

I was horrified at what I had done. I felt bad. Trapped in my own web.

When Dutch got home he saw it all over my face.

'What's going on'

"Babe you just got here, we'll talk later"

'No, let's talk now. What happened?'

"Well, let's go upstairs, I want to change clothes"

So we get upstairs and I spill everything in about 5 minutes.

'You need to quit doing that. You need to start trusting people. They are really sweet to you. You can ask for space, but you can't just cut people off like that. It's not fair. Why did you do that anyway?'
(cause I'm a paranoid lunatic!) (hate it when he's right)

Insert excerpt from above here about trust.

'You need to apologize. I want you to tell them both why you did it.'

"Ok"

'Today is maintenance day. You want to do it now or tonight?' (try never)

(whispering) "I don't need maintenance any more."

He laughed! LAUGHED! (NOT FUNNY)

'Yes you do' (yeah ok, I know, dangit!)
'You want it now or tonight?'

"I don't want it at all"

'Stand up and take your pants off'

So I did.

'Panties too!' (darnit, never works)

So I did.

'Pick one paddle'

I picked the leather heart paddle. He chuckled at that. (what the heck does he think is so funny?)

'Bend over the bed'

So he started spanking me hard right from the start. I couldn't tell when he switched from hand to paddle and back and forth because he was hitting so hard. This was maintenance with punishment built in so it was harder than it would have been. I was lifting my feet up.

'Keep your feet on the floor' (it's not me! they're dancing on their own!)

Then I moved my hand to the side.

'Grab your pillow' (I have this pink heart pillow that I hold when getting spanked)

So I grabbed it. I thought he'd never stop! Finally he did and started rubbing my back.

'Ok, you're done'  'Come here'

He hugged and kissed me as always. I apologized to those friends. They forgave me (well one wasn't going to let me go away whether I wanted to or not anyway and the other was glad to hear I got spanked for it!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I also had told him that I was upset that I felt like I couldn't find the balance between all of this stuff out here and my hobbies and reading. I wanted to get back to that more, without ignoring or leaving people or this world (since my backside just had a discussion about that). Well I had a small meltdown. So know what he did? HE PUT ME ON COMPUTER RESTRICTION! (oops!) Sundays, indefinitely, no computer so I can concentrate on other things. It's a good thing I guess. I can still message on my phone as long as it 'doesn't get out of hand' and 'you don't complain to me about not doing stuff'. So yeh, we'll see.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So we went about our day. So then came the funnier stuff.

He emptied a 2-liter coke bottle, washed it out and handed it to me and turned back to the sink. Now all I had to do was put it on the end of the counter. That's where we put the recycle stuff before it goes out to the bin. But I didn't. I was being bratty, so I dropped it right there on the floor. He turns around and sees it on the floor and gives me the 'look'.

"What?"

He turns and goes for the metal spatula.

"Noooooo, it was an accident, I'm picking it up!"

He stops. He's smirking cause he knows I'm being bratty.  'Oh really? How was that an accident?'

"My arm got really heavy!"

He just busted out laughing bent over the counter. Then he comes over, turns me around and pops me on the butt.

'What am I going to do with you?' 'Go on'

So he starts leading me into the family room and was too close and stubbed his toe on me. LOL! So he's bent over wincing because he has bad big toes, so anytime they get tapped, stomped, stubbed or whatever it hurts. But I couldn't help but laugh.

"What happened?"

(excuse the language here)
'I stubbed my toe like a dumbass'

"I'm sorry you're a dumbass"

I was trying to hold in my chuckles. He gets up and grabs me and turns me around and pops me hard.

"What was that for?"

'Smartass. You called me a dumbass and you are laughing at my toe' (he's smiling)

"Ok, so wait...what if I sympathize with you, but still call you a dumbass? Does that help?"

SMACK SMACK

'Smartass'

"I'm trying to help! Ok, so you want to be a smartass or dumbass?"

SMACK SMACK

(he's chuckling now)

"Oh, so you just want to be an ass?"

SMACK SMACK and he just busts out laughing

'I CAN'T WIN WITH YOU' 'You need to right a book on just crap you say like this, so people see what I have to deal with ALL the time!'

Hee Hee...whaaat? Ok, I'm a brat, but he loves it! (as long as there is no attitude!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. - Tomorrow is 14 yrs married and 20 yrs together for us. Poor guy!

Apr 19, 2011

Landslide

I'm in a landslide.

I know my husband wants me to do this, to post, to be in a group, to talk, to chat with people. He thinks it's good for me. I can get closed off and he thinks I need the connection.

Are things good with Dutch you ask? Yes. He's awesome. I couldn't ask for a better man. This is not about him. It's about me.

The connection. I can't seem to get the connection. I feel like I'm playing at it. I don't feel like it's really happening. I don't want it with everyone out here either. That would overwhelm me in a whole other way. I just want to understand am I making a friend? Are they a real friend or a 'let's make you feel good for the moment friend'? How do I know? How do I even know they are real?

And I mean, you're supposed to care about the people right? But not too much. There's too many. It'll drag you down. But let go. Be cautious. Connect. Don't tell too much about yourself.

I'M SO CONFUSED! It depresses me and stresses me. I feel I make all the wrong moves. Say all the wrong things. Hurt where I want to help. I feel...useless. I can't really help anyone. I can't really help myself.

That's issue #1. (but I do appreciate those who truly have tried to be a friend to me)
But I'm not giving up yet. I'm still trying.


I feel like everything I touch at work is wrong. I'm not where I want to be yet and it frustrates me.

I need to clean my house and I just don't care.  The whole thing could fall down right now and I seriously could care less (I'll end up cleaning it anyway).

People out there are having real issues and mine are so petty. I feel like a jackheimer for feeling like I do right now.

I'm in a landslide.

So what's the real issue #2...

I saw yet another show about someone having a child. About another who was waiting for a child to enter their arms, but then the mom changed her mind and decided to keep it. I see shows where people have children and don't care for them, yet they still get to take them home at night. Heck, I have 2 of those type people in my immediate family.

It cuts me to the quick. The child thing hurts me. It always will. It was a long horrid road to nowhere for us (no, I won't go into all the details) and it's over. What will never be over is knowing that it's over. I couldn't do this for him. (yes, we have exhausted all the options)

He has said 'if it's just us I'm fine with that'. We both say that. I think we say it to deal with it because it's all we have left.

I hear people talk about their children and I'm so happy for them. I really am. In big groups I start to landslide though. It gets overwhelming.

Days like Mother's Day when people say 'Happy Mother's Day' to me out in stores and such...my heart drops and my knees almost buckle.

How many times in my life am I going to have this moment where things like this happen and my feelings start to slide hearing it, seeing it...wishing it?

Everyone I know is prego right now. They tell me with caution. I hate that I make them feel they need to do that. I know they're right though. I will slide.

I'm in a landslide.

Then I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and remember that I have some beautiful nieces and nephews and I love being and aunt. Dutch is a terrific uncle (cause he a terrific everything and I don't deserve him).

I heard a quote tonight that I thought was lovely:
'Every child born is a sign that God is not yet discouraged with us.'

So, I am happy for those who can have them. It is a beautiful thing for the world as a whole...no matter who has them.

God bless.

Apr 12, 2011

Punished

Yep, I was punished. 10 swats with the big wooden paddle that he only uses like that for punishment (but never really has before). I did not like it. It gets to the point quickly though!

Why did I get punished you ask?

I called Dutch on his way home to ask about dinner. I had worked late, he had left late. We haven't been to the store. Usually he will pick something up on his way when we are in this state. So I said I'd try to start doing that if noone was cooking. Then I made that fateful mistake...I said I was a terrible wife.

Big NO NO in our house. That's a rule. He doesn't want to hear that. He says it hurts him.

So, he said I was getting spanked when he got home and guess what? I was spanked when he got home. I didn't argue. He took the big paddle out and told me why he was using it and asked if I understood. I bent over. I said yes sir and he spanked me.

I knew I deserved it. He held me afterwards. I cried. He held me. I cried.

We went downstairs to spend time down there together and eat dinner. He must have asked me about 5 times if it was going to happen again and told me how much he hates that. He also reminded me that I only got 10 (a warning). I started crying again. I felt really bad. We talked. He hugged and kissed me and that was that.

Then he thanked me on his way to bed for letting him 'take care' of me without a fuss. :)

I love my man.

Apr 9, 2011

Reflection

Lately, we've been seeing what other couples do for discipline other than spanking. Dutch is not really for that, but I've told him that some have to write lines and some have corner time. He doesn't understand what corner time is for. To him it's just a childish thing to do. I explained that from what I have seen it's a time of reflection either about what is going to happen or what just did happen and how it can be prevented, etc... and it's not always literally in the corner.

Last night, we went to my sister's for dinner. My niece and her friend put on a dance talent show. They had given us fake flowers to throw at the end. It was over, we were all throwing them except Dutch. He was talking and I just wanted him to throw it so we could leave because we had been there way longer than we intened. So I grabbed the flower and yanked it out of his hand. Little did I know that the very end had a metal piece sticking out. It sliced his finger open! He gave me this look, but by the time we were home, he wasn't mad. He knew it was an accident.

So this morning we were sitting here watching tv and I was on my laptop. I got up to get something and when I came back I stood by Dutch for a second and he start patting my bottom.

"I think it misses me"

'well that's your choice' (ok, clearly not the brightest thing I've ever said)

I sat down and picked up my laptop.

"oh really? Ok then, let's go. Put the laptop down" (huh?)

'what? why?'

"we're going to go ahead and do maintenance today instead of tomorrow, you obviously need it"
(nope, not really, but thanks for playing)

'ummm, ok'

We get upstairs, standing by the bed.

"Pick two paddles"

'Two?'

"Yep, two" (he's smiling. I hate it when they smile)

He gets on the bed.

"Come on"

'Can I leave my pants on (pajama pants)'

"Sure"

'Really?' (there's a trick in here somewhere)

"Sure, I'll just hit harder" (I knew it!!)

'that's not fair!'

"get the big wooden paddle"

'are you serious?'

"yep, let's go"

So I climb up and over.

"you ready"

'yes sir'

So he starts with his hand. He's concentrating on my sits spots. Then he starts in with that ^%$(^%(* thin balsa wood paddle. I swear nothing builds up a sting that feels like fire ants biting you quicker than that does! I was tearing up. I'd seen him grab that one and whined a little and so he decided to move the paddles to where I couldn't see them.

He used his hand a little bit more.

Then he starts using the big wooden one. I don't care how light or hard it is, bare or not, that thing hurts. No matter how light he tries to go, it's just awful to me. I didn't get too many of those though, maybe 12.

He used his hand a little bit more.

Then he moves to the leather paddle. If I had to pick a favorite, this one would be it for sure. It can pack a punch depending on how hard he swings. He was probably going med force.

I was breathing kind of heavy.

"you ok"

'yes sir' (no, you're beating my butt!!)

"you sure"

'yes sir'

"ok, I'm going to give you 8 more and then we will be done. I'm going to give you 2 with each and then the last two with my hand. Ok?"

'yes sir'

"I'm going to go worst to least, ok?"

'ok'

"you ready?"

'yes sir' (I was like 5 minutes ago!)

So he did and these all were the hardest with each. Ouch! But then it was done. I crawled into his arms and he hugged me and kissed me.

"so, what do we need to remember from this weekend?"

I was truly perplexed. I didnt't have a clue what he wanted me to say.

He shows me his sliced finger. (oh yeh...that)

'we don't snatch things out of people's hands'

"I know it was an accident, but you need to be patient. That was rude"

'I know, I'm sorry'

He gets up.

"Come on"

I thought we were going to take showers. Oh how wrong I was! He took a chair and put it in our closet!

"sit down"

I sat.

"I want you to do some relfection time"

I didn't say anything. He set the alram on his phone for 20 minutes and handed it to me, closed the door most of the way and left.

I started crying. He came back in.

"are you ok? what's wrong?"

I just cried.

"you not talking to me now?"

sniffling 'you told me to reflect'

"ok"  and he left

I sat there for 20 minutes crying off and on thinking about how rude I was and impulsive to snatch that flower away. What was it worth? I hurt him? He's so awesome to me and I was rude and it led to that!

Well, by the time the 20 minutes were up, I was quite contrite. I walked downstairs.

"hey Pud"

'hey'

"you ok?"

I walked over and sat down on his lap starting to cry.

"what's wrong? Sweetie?"

Crying now. 'I'm sorry I hurt you! It was rude of me to snatch that out of your hand and I won't do it ever again!'

"I know. Sweetie? Sweetie. Calm down. Shhhh, it's ok. Honestly, I just wanted to try out the reflection thing to see how you would react. I wanted to see if it's something we should use again. I'm not mad. Shhhh, calm down. It's ok."

He's rubbing my back and I'm clinging to his neck like it's going to fall off. We sat like that until I composed myself.

The rest of the day was great. We went and had massages and then went to dinner at a friend's house.

Will he use that reflection time again? I don't know, but I told him when he asked me what I thought that I thought 20 minutes was too long. I could handle 10. He kind of laughed.

"That's why I chose 20." (grrrrrrrrr)

Not my favorite form of discipline I can tell you that!

I love my man though. He's really stepping up his game. I respect him more and more.

Apr 8, 2011

Curious - what do you do?

So I have been trying to show my husband videos of another HoH using a belt. Dutch doesn't have much control with it and right now anyway would only use it for severe punishment. Should that change in the future, I wanted him to see what another HoH does differently thus allowing for more control.

So, that said, it got me thinking about implements and the body and spanking in general. So here are my questions for all. I am strictly asking from an LDD perspective. So if you are into anything else, please do not reply in that capacity.

1) Do you think all implements are appropriate for all types of spanking or do you use certains ones for play, certain ones for maintenance and certain ones for punishment?

2) Are there any implements that you feel should never be used? (including items around the house that you have heard others use)

3) What parts of the body do you think are ok to use an implement on and what is not ok?

4) Do you think it is ok to bruise or welt or leave marks?

5) Do you think warmups should be used? If so, with hand or an implement?

6) Do you have a set place for spankings to occur or do you just do it wherever you are?

7) Do you think all spankings should be formal or are random swats appropriate?

8) How many warnings should there be before a formal spanking? Does it matter if it was about something that was already a rule?

9) Do you think all spankings should be bare?

Thanks for answering! Especially any HoHs!  Dutch and I both will be very curious to see everyone's answers.

Apr 6, 2011

What to do?

So I feel like I have been making friends in this cyberworld. However, the more I let go, the greater risk I have of saying or doing the wrong thing, offending them.

The truth is I have liked getting to know these people in this world. I find it stressful though wondering if I've said something wrong. I don't know how to control those feelings when it happens. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone.

Also, I haven't truly let them in. I won't tell people about real things I pray for in my life that I need prayer for because I don't want them to pray for me. I think those prayers are better used for them and others. I want them to be well. I want to keep the focus on them.

It's going to end up being something that is something hard that they have had to work through in life or just differences in thinking for how we were brought that leads to that thing that will end the friendship. We are all so different. How to you combat that? I think I am just being, not judging, just caring about them. Something always seems off though. Like if something happens and they say it's ok, it's still always a bit damaged.

Dutch says it's fine. He tells me not to give up, not to worry.

I'd say it's hormones, but I have no reason to believe that. No, I think it was a conversation as usual that triggered my emotions into places they just didn't need to go. I don't know why I let things run away like that.

Is it because I can't see people? I can't hug them? I can't really do for them as a friend would, other than give encouraging words which I think they find monotanous after a while?

I just cry. Dutch talks me down. I cry. Dutch talks me down. I'm so glad he loves me enough to put up with this crap.

So here is the question. Do I walk away? Do I shut everything down related to this world? Emails, chats, blogs, etc... It would alleviate any possible instances in the future of hurting or offending someone. It would be less stressful for everyone. Wouldn't it?

Two songs keep going though my head everyday. 'The Climb' and 'You Raise Me Up'.

Dear God...please help. Amen.

Apr 4, 2011

Welcome Home Honey!

So I'm back from my mini vaca with my sister. I was on my computer in the blue room and Dutch comes in and leans over to me. He's smiling.

"Maintenance tonight"

I looked at the computer.

"K?"

I looked back.

"Maintenance tonight"

'Do we have anything we have to discuss during maintenance or is this just maintenance?'

"just maintenance, I have no reason for anything else" (yet)

'ok'

So we went to dinner and ran errands.

He decided he'd go ahead when we got back before he logged back into work.

"pick a paddle" (I hate that but if I don't pick, he'll pick the big wooden one just to spite me!)

He didn't give me a very hard spanking. However, I couldn't stop being sassy. Now we were bantering a bit, he was laughing, but every sassy thing I did, while he thought funny, still got me spanked more!

Trying to get up before he said ok...got me spanked more.

Later stomping my (naturally dancing) feet got me spanked more.

Lying about growling under my breath got me spanked more.

Blowing rasberries got me spanked more.

I don't know what was wrong with me! (shut your mouth Kelly!!)

We were still laughing and smiling and kissing and well other stuff when all was said and done. I'm a bit sore, but it's all good.
Maybe we both wanted me to be sassy tonight! Hmmmmmm...