Mar 31, 2011

What did Forest Gump say?

Stupid is as stupid does.

Oh no truer words were spoken and should have been spoken of me last night.

Yep, I was stupid, idiotic, a DA. I revealed some info about someone that I shouldn't have. They caught it in time (thank goodness), but oh that was bad. I don't want these things happening to me yet I went and did it to someone else. It was an accident and the person was gracious about it. However, it shouldn't have happened. I should have paid more attention. I could have ruined their life. I don't know how to forgive myself for something that could ruin someone's life. I no longer think I should be trusted with sensitive information.

I told Dutch about it. He was not happy. He lectured me and I thought he was going to spank me, but he didn't. I guess he knew how bad I felt and I was already starting to cry when he started to lecture. He gave me a stern warning not to let it happen again though...a few times. He's right though. There's no excuse for not paying attention with things like that.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get.

Well yeh. I went to the dentist yesterday to have my regular 6 month checkup. They told me I had two cavities. What?!?!?!? TWO CAVITIES! Sooooo didn't expect that.

Oh I know why it happened, but it doesn't make me any happier.

Now I know what you are thinking...what's the big deal? Plenty of people have had cavities and worse for their teeth. Well not me. Uh uh. I've had many many things done to my body, but good teeth was the one thing I had going for me. I was not a happy camper let me tell you. I've never had anything done to my teeth except have a baby tooth pulled and my wisdom teeth cut out.

I had to go back today and get them filled. They are all the way in the very back top where you can't see and is really hard to brush.

Well, it freaked me out. I didn't care about the shot to deaden it. Needles don't bother me. I'd be dead by now if they did. It was the whole idea of drilling...in my mouth...forced open...unable to call effectively for help...or cry out in pain...so close to my brain...and all the 5 senses...nope, I did not like that at all. However, like everything else I've ever had done to me, I sat there and took it. Now it's over and all I can say is never again. Never again!

Stupid teeth.

Mar 29, 2011

This is ridiculous!

Ok so I don't know what is wrong with me. Dutch has had to spank me for one thing or another for the past 8 days. Now, only 3 of those were really hard. However, two of those, although hard, leaving me quite sore, are not allowing me to cry. I just don't know what is wrong with me. These have mostly been level-setting spankings. He didn't think last night was enough. He really thinks he should have brought me to tears to get it out.

Tonight was another level-setting one. So...spanked I was. It hurt right from the start cause I'm really sore.

We got up there...

'no not the balsa paddle, it's too stingy!'

"fine, get the heavy leather paddle"

'you know what, we don't need to this, I'm fine'

"too late, let's go"  (not too late, I'm still standing!)

'no really, I'm fine, we don't need to do this'

'NOW!"

So over I go...

"you ready?"

'noooo'

whap! "excuse me?"

'yes sir!'

and then he was off. Rapid fire as usual and all over my backside and thighs! Man it stung! Ouch! I started padding my fit really fast. He stopped.

"so how many times did you just stomp your feet and how many swats is that per stomp?" (oh crap!)

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I wasn't stomping my feet! I wasn't stomping my feet!'

"oh really? What were you doing then?"

'flailing...with style!'  (ok, so Buzz Lightyear ran through my head)

He busted out laughing. Then proceeded to whack the crap out me. When I started pleading he stopped.

'I've had enough!'

"you don't tell me when we're done. We are done when I say we are done. Do you understand?"

'yes sir' (meanie!)

"I'm giving you ten more with each and then we will be done, ok?" (uh...no)

head shake...whack..."What?"

'yes sir' (double meanie)

"you ready to count"

*sigh* 'yes sir'

and he was off...

After he was done and we'd come back downstairs, he told me two things:
1) "It's really hard to spank you when I'm laughing at comments you make like that"
(awesome, I'll keep it up then honey)
2) "You've had an attitude, ok not that kind of attitude, I mean somethings been off for days. But, if I have to spank you again tomorrow, I'm getting the big wooden paddle out. Nothing else appears to be working"
(not quite so awesome, so no thank you honey)

I personally think the funk is going away (still didn't cry). No spanking tomorrow! NO NO NO!

Mar 28, 2011

Lost

I feel lost today. I'm not sure why. I feel like I am in a new walk with God, but have no purpose. Everyone has a purpose around me. I can see God make changes in their lives, leading them, touching them, bringing things to them, loving them. I can't see it for me.

What is my purpose? Where do I belong in all of this?

There are some things in me that will never be resolved and bubble to the surface every now and then.

I was so out sorts and Dutch asked me what was wrong. I told him, I'm just out of sorts. I can't connect with anything. He led me upstairs with intention of just spanking it out of me. This never usually takes much and I snap out it, I cry, it's done.

Not today.

I could not cry. He just kept spanking and spanking and spanking. Nothing. I still haven't. Not the deep cry that I probably need. I don't know why, but I guess my shield is up trying to protect me from the things that disappoint me, confuse me, betray me. I'm very sore, but I'm not sure there could have been enough.

Then again, I am blessed. I have the most wonderful man who loves me and takes care of me in ways that no-one else could. No matter how out of sorts I am...he's always there.

~No worries

Mar 27, 2011

They're Getting Harder

My spankings. I can tell he's starting to get into the groove of this. He did my maintenance spanking this morning. We decided that I'd go otk on the bed. He told me he was going to use 3 implements this time which he has never done. He also informed me that he wasn't sure how much he was giving me. Basically it was going to be when he thought I'd had enough kind of a scenario.

He had kind of already warmed me up with some play that morning, so he just started. He started with the little balsa wood paddle. Now it doesn't look like much, but that thing stings like fire when it builds up and when he spanks, he typically does rapid fire. So it's one right after the other. I lose count quickly after about 40. So I was quickly pretty stingy. Also, he's now found the sit spots and the tops of the thighs which he loves to aim for during maintenance. OUCH!

Then he moved to the oval leather paddle. Now this one is both a bit stingy and a bit thuddy, but one is not predominant over the other. This one really leaves a more lasting impression. I have no clue how many there were with that one either.

Then he finished with the other leather heart paddle that is supposed to be for good girl spanking because the other side is furry, but he likes the way it fits in his hand so it's become a spanking favorite for anything. This one is a bit stingier than the other leather paddle and he can move a lot quicker with it and can really get my sit spots and thighs with it. OUCH! again. This time though he did something he has never done before. He made me count out the last 10 which were really really hard. That definitely put my brain in a different place. He said if I put my feet up or moved I would get 3 extra each time. I stayed in place!

This I think is the hardest maintenance I've gotten yet and I think he plans for them to just get harder! He tells me to keep my feet down and stay still. I'm getting better, but sometimes it stings so badly! I really tried this time to tell myself he's doing this to help us, help me. I need to trust that God brought him to me for this and I need to honor him. I think it helped me take it.

The rest of the day was great (except for doing taxes and stupid HOA mtg). Then tonight we got home from dinner and I went to put my jammies on and he was popping me being playful. I just couldn't get my hands on my jammies to put them on. For some reason that frustrated the heck out of me.

I snapped.

I never do that! Even he later said that was very uncharacteristic of me. It was.

He asked me if that was necessary. I just went and finished putting on my jammies. Then I went down to the office where he was and he looked at me and asked again if I thought that was necessary. I tried to explain that I didn't think he was going to stop popping me and I just wanted to get my jammies on, but I knew it was wrong. He was right. I had no reason to snap like that. It was disrespectful. He was just playing around.
So he looked at me and said 'I should probably spank you for that shouldn't I?'  I didn't say anything just looked away. He said 'you know it too.' 'Cmon, let's go.' 'Let's, go.'

So we went back to bedroom. He took the balsa wood paddle and gave me about 20 hard rapid fire swats. Oh it stung like fire. I started crying a little. He let me up, hugged me, forgave me.

I like that he's taking charge, but I need to watch my mouth. After the maintenance this morning, I didn't want anymore. I'm sore, sore, sore!!!!

Mar 25, 2011

Silly Spanking

Ok, so I don't know what happened. We got home and I went to change into my jammies and he was popping me all the way up the stairs. Somewhere along the way I got a little frustrated and when we got up stairs and stomped my feet up and down very slightly a few times.

"Did you just stomp your foot?"
'No, I was dancing'

Drags me over to the bed and gets the little balsa wood paddle out. I was pulling and resisting and doing circles to get out of his grip. He was actually impressed with my maneuvering tactics although he wasn't all that impressed with my resisting. We were still kind of laughing though.

I finally got my jammies on. He was in the office. I was pouting and went down there to tell him my butt was now warm and it was all his fault. He was hugging me and smiling and telling me it was my fault. Of course I had to be bratty.

"Are you being moody? Do you need more?"
'NO!' hmpf...start to walk off...
"Are you walking off?!" "I think you need more. Let's go"
'Noooooooooo'
"Are you whining?"
'Noooooo' 'I don't want another spankinggggg'
"Well you sure aren't acting like it"

I'm pulling away. He throws me bent over onto the bed.
"Resistence is futile" (I always knew he was a BORG (big obnoxious ridiculous goober))
Pulls my bottoms down.
"You know why you are getting this?"
'Nooooooo'
"You are resisting and being moody and you stomped your foot again" (I had tried to tell him that was just me excercising)
whaps me about 10 times and I start to get up and pull my bottoms up and move away
"Where are you going? Did I tell you you could get up?"
'No'
Pushes me back down
"You don't get up until I tell you you can"
'Yes Sir'
whaps me another 10 times
I throw my arm down.  Now that is like stomping the foot...not allowed.
whaps me 10 times
'No, that's not fair, it's 5 for that, not 10' 'I get a free arm hit!'
He laughed cause I was right and he was going to say the same thing!
Then I got moody again and started to go and he whapped me a couple more times and I tried again.
"I'm going to give you 7 more" "I could be like some and give you way more but I'm only going to give you 7 more ok"
'ok, Yes sir'
7 swats later...
"You can pull your pants up and get up" "Come here"
So I did and hugged him.
"Now, what did we learn from this?"
'next time run faster?'
He starts laughing. "I think I need to give you 10 more"
'ok, wait, ummm, don't resist?'
"And?"
'ummmmm'
"You need 10 more"
'No wait!' 'ummmm' 'No really, what else was I learning?'
"Don't stomp your feet!!!!'
'oh right, yeh, don't stomp my feet. That one is hard, they have a mind of their own'
"Why do I even bother spanking you? It does no good" He's laughing.
'Yes it doesssss'
He turns me toward the door.
"Go downstairs before I have to do something really bad to you"
I was still being sassy.
So he starts swatting me all the way to the stairs.
'Ok, ok, I'm going!' 'You aren't supposed to be following me!'
He starts to come after me and I raced down the stairs. 'Nooooooo'
He stays up there laughing and yells..."What am I going to do with you?"

Silly and serious and laughing and pouting and now I'm a little sore. What was I thinking and how did that happen?

Mar 23, 2011

Where did I put my trust today?

Well, I've recently learned of these 5 statements of faith and how to count them on my right hand to remember what they are.

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. Someone sent me a document about how God handles anxiety. So I read it. I didn't connect with everything in there, but I did get some good points out of it and honestly, I felt a little better. One thing was how to ask God for help and trust that God will help (maybe not the way you think, maybe so, maybe not in the time you think, maybe so).

Well, I think it worked today. I really do. I put my trust in God and I honestly think it worked. It was a small thing, but still...

So here's what happened. I went for a walk. There's a lot of physical activity I'm not allowed to do so it makes it difficult to excerise, but I at least try to walk. I walk as far as I can. I try to go right after work. Today was no different. However, about 1/4 mile in, my leg starting hurting. This happens sometimes, but not a lot. Just depends. When it does, I usually have to just stop because I start limping with the pain. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to keep going and I wanted to walk a little further and up the hill then I had been. So I prayed right then and there for God's help and strength to keep going and get up that little hill.

Know what happened? My leg stopped hurting! Right then and there it stopped hurting and I stopped limping.

So I put my trust in God today and I believe he answered. Which faith statment was it that I think I identified with today? I can do all things through Christ.

Yay me! (you can't see it, but I'm doing the happy dance...hula style  ;)    )

~No worries!

Mar 22, 2011

Did I get what I needed?

So Sunday night was supposed to be maintenance. We don't really have a set schedule, that's just when he thought it might be getting to that too long point where I'll start to get moody. Yeh, he's right. I was. Problem is, we got busy with other things and he forgot until I said something when he said he was going to bed. He said we'll do it after I get home tomorrow. Well I was disappointed, but I said ok. He had to go to bed and I knew that. So why did I start to get moody then? Well it was time I guess. I hate that, but it just happens.

Next day I called him at lunch crying. I was definitely going under. He calmed me down and said he'd see me later. So when he got home he knew he couldn't wait any longer. He told me to go get a paddle that he wanted to do it downstairs because he was working on my computer (it's acting weird). So he spanked me and then he stopped. Now normally even with the what most would call a small amount that he gives me, I cry. Well I didn't. Not even close.
"You need more?"
'I don't know'
"I can give you more"
'I'm not sur...whap...and we are off and running again.
He stops...breathing heavier cause those were really hard. But no, not enough.
"You need more?"
'I don't know'
"Ok well if I'm going to give you more stand up and bend over the couch. My legs hurt"  HA!
Then it really started to hurt cause I'd already got over 100 swats and the last group was fairly hard and now he was hitting my sit spots. (I hate those!)
He stops.
"You need more?"
'No sir'
"You sure?"
'Yes sir'
"Ok, let's go eat"

Well, then came bible study. That didn't go well. My first time with this group and I felt (and still do) feel like a fish out of water. I just don't fit in I don't think. I'm assured by all including Dutch that it'll be fine. It just takes time. Ok, for someone with trust and anxiety issues, yeh, it takes time. Try an eternity! Anyway, I got really upset. He was awake when I went to bed and knew something was up. So he asked and I told him. He said he thinks it'll be fine. Kept asking me if I wanted him to be like other HoHs out there. I said no, I want us to be us. (what can I say, I'm a tool, a brat)
"Do you need some more swats?"
'what?'
"Do you need some more swats?"
'Uh, I don't know'
"Get up, let's give you some more"
So he did, but this time, after the second swat I was bawling. It all just came out.
He held me and said it'll be ok.

However,
"You're getting 10 swats tomorrow for coming to bed late (and making me stay up til 1am - he was kidding on that part)"
He said he's going easy because he knows I was up with the bible study and how can he get too mad about something involving that?

He's just awesome. Was it what I needed? Finally I think it might have been.?.?.?...for that day...

Mar 20, 2011

Hubby thinks he's funny

My husband does think he's funny. Ok sometimes he is, but mostly he's on elementary school level. He admits he never wants to grow up. He identifies and gets along better with kids sometimes than adults. He'd still play with his GI Joes if he had them. I can't get him focused on buying presents for the kids when he's in a toy store. He's too busy playing with them or checking out on the new cool things they can do these days. I have to say 'honey, if you'll just give me ten minutes of focused time to decide on something, you can go back and play with the toys'. He kills me.

This morning we are lying in bed and he's stroking my hair and telling me how much fun he had with me yesterday etc... and then he starts to tell me that he's going to go get breakfast. Well I don't know why I started getting whiney but I did. I just interrupted him before he could finish telling me what he wanted to do.

"NO" (serious whiney tone)

--"What did you just say?"

"Nothing"

--"I was going to say that I was going to go get breakfast for us and bring it back"
(oops)

"Sorry"

--"I think you need some swats for that. This is what we talked about yesterday"  (double oops)
--"Ok, let's go"

So he's spanks me with his hand, HARD. Man his hand stings.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

--"I know you are but you were being disrespectful"

So he finishes up.

--"Ok, come here"
--"From now on this is what is going to happen. You've been warned enough"
(No I haven't, I'm not that smart. Someone puts stupid pills in my water everyday.)

"ok"
"Do you forgive me?"

--"Of course I forgive you. I just forgave you all over your backside!"

(cute, real cute babe, very funny)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got this new plant yesterday. Needs lots of water and indirect sunlight. I didn't water it yesterday when I got it and I guess there was too much sunlight on the table. It looked dead this morning. So I watered it and moved it in to the family room. We are sitting in the family room watching the race and I notice it perking up. I lean over to check the leaves.

(talking to the plant about the leaves) "Don't bend over"

--"They don't , but you do"

(cute, real cute babe, funny)

Viagra commercial comes on - hubby talking to the tv
"my wife would prefer it if I had erectile disfunction every once in a while"

(cute, real cute babe, funny) (but sometimes true!)

He asked what this blog title was. I told him, he stopped dead while he was drinking water, glass halfway up.
Smirk on his face.

"Do I need to read this blog?"

I just smiled.

I'm thinking maybe no, since I still have a maintenance spanking coming later tonight!
Or maybe...refer back to #5 on Stormy's list.  ;)

Mar 17, 2011

Weird Day

I've been wrestling with something the past day or so. I think I have come to a decision to just trust that it will be ok. I talked with Dutch about it and he was supportive and thought I should go ahead. So, I think I will try.

Yesterday Dutch and I had an argument about cleaning the house. Well I intended just to tell him I needed help. Somehow it escalated. He ended up leaving for hours and I just cleaned the downstairs and settled down for the night feeling very bad about the situation. I don't think I was disrespectful or not much anyway throughout. He just wasn't seeing my thought process and while I saw his, I didn't understand it. Anyway, he called me at lunch today and we talked about it and came to understandings so all is well again.

Later when he got home, we were talking about the issue I was wrestling with and he was trying to settle it for me by saying you will do it. I rolled my eyes a little. I didn't like that. This is a social thing for me that doesn't affect him, so I think it should be my decision. Apparently he was just trying to move that process along. Well, all of a sudden he takes my computer and puts it down and says 'let's go upstairs'. Well, there are only two reasons he says that...spanking or sex. I thought it was the former and was a little scared. It ended up being the latter and I was very happy. So we connected there like we haven't in a while. It was nice and sweet. I still think I may get some swats before the night is out though!

Also today, 6am, my Dad calls to tell me that mother is in the hospital again. Breathing issues the past few days. I just saw her this past weekend. We went for a visit. SHE WAS FINE. She's had something medical going on it seems like every other week for a while now and has been in and out of the hospital for diff things. Well they sent her home with a theory of what is wrong because of cost. If they don't know for certain, kick them out. I swear I hate the medical care where they live, but I can't get them to move because my aunt lives where they live and she has cancer and chemical imbalance issues and can't remember to take her meds if mother isn't chasing her down. So she's home now and I haven't gotten another call, so I guess all is ok there.

My sister has spent every day for the past two months telling me about any interaction between she and her husband who had an affair in Dec. They are still determining what to do. So she's constantly asking me what I think. What I think he means when he says stuff, what I think he wants, what I think he will do, etc... It's exhausting being her personal therapist. Today they met for about the second talk since all this started. Of she calls me about that afterwards. I do have a full-time job. It just exhausting trying to do this all day, especially when you are trying to find out why your mother had to go to the hospital again, you're making up with hubby and you actually have a job to do that has a boss! She's a mommy, so her time is a bit more flexible. I love her though, so I just try to help out the best I can. She hasn't been talking to her mother-in-law much since this happened. She just feels awkward right now. Well they used to talk every day about 2-3 times a day. Too much for me, but whatever. So now, her MIL is freaking out about the lack of contact and just can't give her her space. Soo as usual, guess who has to play therapist? Yep, you guessed it. Me. Like I said, exhausting.

Some days, I wish I could have a drink!

Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely evening.

Mar 14, 2011

Mad as hell

Pardon my language in the header.

I'm in that tough spot I don't get too very often. I'm mad at God. No, I think I'm mad at myself. I'm not sure which. How can I say that? What is wrong with me. God forgive me please!

My friend is ill. Very ill. I pray and pray every day for God to give her some relief, a ray of hope, something. Is that asking too much? Is it? And then it hit me. Either God is too busy somewhere or I'm not praying with a true heart. It has to be the latter. My faith says God is everywhere always and is listening. I truly want to believe that. Ok, but what then? What is the answer? How do we get her help?

I'm mad, truly mad and sad for her. So mad, so sad, I broke down tonight. I feel helpless and I hate that. I want to fix her, make her well, make her free of pain and then take her on a 'girls night out' cruise. Is that asking too much? Apparently so. So, I cry. Then I get mad at myself for that. She needs strong people. She's so much stronger than I am. She needs constant support and I'll be danged if she's not going to get that from me. Buck up! She needs you, you whiney little brat. No matter what, you have to keep the faith.

It's hard though isn't it? Another earthquake, another Tsunami. You pray for those people too. Pray and pray and pray and I still feel helpless.

I think what I need to do for her is reach out to my friends and family and start a massive prayer chain. I don't attend church, but my mother-in-law works at a church and will add her to their prayer meetings. My family will pray if I ask. I have to ask, have to try. I can't hold my prayer beads any tighter.

I need to pray with a truer heart.

------on another note
Tonight was maintenance night. My backside has definitely been peppered. He was going to do it tomorrow just for general purposes. The last time he waited too long, I got real moody and might have ended up soon with a discipline spanking. He doesn't want that and neither do I. So maintenance tomorrow. Only...I didn't want to wait that long. I know, I should just let him go whenever. Honestly though, it would worry me all day and my BP would skyrocket and I can't afford that. So we agreed to go ahead tonight. Then we talked about my sick friend. I was really upset and so was he. He said he couldn't do it in my state. In the end though, he did. Simply I think at that point as a stress reliever (and the reminder it was meant to be to not get an attitude).

I think it was good to go ahead. Sometimes you just have to, especially when you are in those states. It just helps relieve the stress, tension and sadness. Well, to a certain extent anyway. I'm still wound up, but I'm trying not to be disrespectful to my husband.

I was leaving the bedroom and wanted to know something about the hanging clothes of his in the room. He didn't asnwer the question the way I thought he should so I guess I got a little huffy and terse because he said 'watch your tone'. I said yes sir and came downstairs.

He helped me. I shouldn't be terse with him. That wouldn't be fair.

*sigh* This night all of a sudden got exhausting.

Mar 13, 2011

First Post - What am I doing?

Ok, so this is my new blog. I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just making it up as I go along.

I am married but without children. We have been practicing CDD for about a year now. We are still feeling out the waters. I came to my husband with this. He thought I was nuts. Now I think he may be starting to see the benefits of it. I am a fairly headstrong woman who can be independent if needed and needy when not necessarily wanted, so it gets complicated. My husband spanks me for discipline, fun and maintenance. I asked him for this. It's what I felt I needed to get some balance within myself. I've found it can help mentally as well, if not better than taking pills. The balance in the brain I believe to be very real when a spanking occurs. It's a strange phenomenon. Discipline for me is pretty non-existent although it hangs over my head. Majority of the time my husband says I'm too good for that. Although, he will tell everyone I'm nothing but bad!  ; )  Now know this, he doesn't expect as much out of me daily as a lot HoHs. I do respect my husband. He likes to banter with me. It's one of the things that attracted me to him. However, I have in the past bantered to a point of being disrespectful. Well, that level of bantering or disrespect can't happen now. Generally though, my husband spanks for maintenance or fun. He has now gotten over his fears of spanking me. Now, he likes it! Maintenacne for me is a lot about attitude adjustment, mood levels or the fact that I may be teetering on the edge of being mischievious. Hee hee. He doesn't use other forms of discipline or punishment, although he's threatened to take away my computer.

I want him to have more control in the decisions in the house. My body can't take the stress anymore. He has very few rules for me and doesn't believe in assigning me chores. he just asks if I can do stuff. Most of the time though, I just handle things and ask for his help when I need it and ask him if there is anything he needs me to do. So, we are still changing as we go. I think you have to. Some things work and some things don't and he doesn't want to be all-controlling and demanding of me. He's afraid I'd fall apart. I probably would too. So like I said, Maintenance is our main DD type spanking. And, of course, he likes to 'pop' me constantly. Sometimes it's a love pop, sometimes it's because of something I've said, who knows what all else. He's a nut!

This blog is not just about CDD. It's about whatever pops into this messed up little head of mine, because we are not just about CDD. I tend to vent about things that get on my nerves, scare me, interest me, etc...know that. Like I tell folks who know me...tread lightly here. So, what do you do when you don't like the program...change the channel! Hopefully that won't be necessary though.

Off to bed. Work tomorrow. Bleh.

No worries!