Nov 30, 2011

Stubborn Attitude

I don't know why but I just couldn't shake it.

We were having a nice night but I wasn't feeling completely me. Honestly I was feeling a little hurt by a friend and my mood was up and down. I mean after all, Dutch hadn't done anything. All he wanted to do was be in the room with me, on the couch, watching our shows, me laying in his lap.

All of that happened too. However, my mood was up and down. Happy and sad. Nice and snippy.

He finally had had enough. He said I was getting some swats before bed...again. See I had gotten some the night before because I was being bratty. Well apparently it wasn't enough. (ok it wasn't, I knew it wasn't)

So when he was going to bed, he said come on, let's go upstairs.

He spanked me with his hand. Told me I could get up. So I did, with attitude. I yanked up my pj bottoms and he promtly told me to get back over the bed, I obviously still had an attitude.

He spanked me with the balsa wood paddle. Now, considering how much I hate that thing, you would think that would have been it.

"OW! I can't take it!"

'Get up. Are you done with this attitude yet?'

"Yes! I said I was!"

'Apparently not.'

So over I went AGAIN. Spanked AGAIN with his hand.

'Are you done yet?'

"YES!!"

Out comes the leather paddle.

"Stop! Ok, I'm sorry! I'm done now! Stop!"

'You don't tell me when to stop. I decide when to stop'. (How many times have I heard that?  Geez)

Then he finally stopped.

'I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you done with this attitude?'

"Yes sir"

'Ok, pull your bottoms up'

So I did and he held me and I cried and I apologized and told him what was bugging me.

'Is that what this is about? You should apologize to her too.'

I protested that but I won't get into it.

He always know when something is wrong and I have kept it in until it boils over into attitude and brattiness. He tries to get it out of me, but sometimes, I am feeling too locked in to be able to communicate what is wrong. So, when he's had enough (and believe you me he lets a LOT go for a while), he will eventually let me know enough is enough. This is where he is drawing the line and a spanking will soon commence.

I mean I was just going to get enough swats to sting. But noooooo, I had to keep pushing.

Oh well, I guess that's why I have a shirt that says 'I'm on the naughty list'...right?

Hee Hee!

Nov 9, 2011

6th Annual Love Our Lurkers Day!!!


Hello Lurkers!

Come out come out wherever you are!!!

If you are lurking on my blog or any of the other blogs out there, please let us know you are there. My blog is still fairly new compared to some and I love to have new people drop by and give me their thoughts. I know we don't all agree on everything, but that's ok. If you have love in your heart, not hate, then it can only be a good experience.

You may be new to DD or curious. You may be wanting to start a blog but think no one will read it. Guess what? We've all been there. Plus our lives are always changing, so even those who are veterans are still having new experiences with TTWD and lean on their readers for support and advice.

So, please, if you would like to, leave a comment. Let me know you came by or have been coming by. I don't bite!! (much... hee hee)

Have a great LOL day!! Have fun out there!

Nov 7, 2011

Four Words I Hate

'Go get a paddle'

Rarely does that ever end in anything good. Here lately, he has come to saying that phrase more than I would like. Every...single...time...something sassy comes out of my mouth.

'Go get a paddle' or 'Let's go upstairs'.

"Are you serious?"

'Of course I'm serious'

"What'd I do?"

'You're being sassy and you know I can't tolerate that. I have to nip these things in the bud when they happen or I wouldn't be doing my duty as an HOH'

(Oh for pete's sake. His duty? Can I lay him off?) "Really? You're serious?"

'Yes, go get a paddle now!'

So in the past week, I've been over the couch, over the bed, over his knee and over the tub. I don't know anymore when we are bantering and when I am being sassy in a 'spankable offense' way.

So now his new thing is 'Go get a brush'. A BRUSH! When the heck did he decide to start using that regularly? I've felt it 4 times in about 3 days. I gotta tell you...I don't like it.

"That hurts!! Ow!!"

'Since when is a spanking not supposed to hurt?'

Maintenance was over the bed with his hand and then all of a sudden I felt the brush! So I started to get up.

'Get back down now. Do you want me to get the big paddle?'

(Take a wild guess bucko!) "No sir"

Later I said something sassy in the bathroom.

'Bend over'

"Why?"

'BECAUSE I SAID SO! Drop Trow.'

So I did.

'uh hem...'SMACK...'panties too'

"Well you didn't say that"

SMACK

And then he started in with the brush. I don't like that thing...I don't like it at all!

'I'm liking this brush. I'm not sure yet which one I like best.'

Grrrrrr. The man is a spanko. I swear it! How did that happen?

'It makes me feel better when I spank you'

(Oh FANTASTIC!)


Secretly I like that he's not letting me get away with anything and I like that he never misses maintenance. I feel fortunate that he is consistent.


But...can we not do brushes?!?!?
Is there another way to say 'Go get a paddle' or 'Go get a brush'? Something more lively, peppy, friendly? Something that doesn't immediately say...YOU'RE BUTT IS TOAST???

*sigh* If I'd known I married a spanko and I had to do it all over again...would I even mention DD?
*sigh* YES (dangit)

Oct 28, 2011

Riddle Me This...

Who gets spanked on their birthday? (no, I won't say when it was)

Oh yeh, that would be me.

I had said, no parties to my sister. I don't care what the kids want. I had said no dinner to my husband.

'I don't want to go anywhere. I just don't feel like it.'

Now he told me that was ok, that if I wanted to stay in we could. However, at the end of the day, I finally relented. When he got home, her told me to bend over the bed. He took the balsa wood paddle and spanked me tears.

'You have been moody and winey and you need a release.'

We ended up having a nice dinner. I felt better for about 3 hours and then it went down hill. I had had system issues that day. I worked from home but couldn't log in. I told him about it asking what I should do if it was still that way the next day. He got out of bed and started diagnosing the issue. I said it could wait, but he was up now. He was mad and frustrated and ended up hurting me emotionally because I felt blamed for the system not working. I was crying hard. He didn't comfort me at all. I went to bed about 1 having given up, I was too tired. He stayed up and then determined we needed a new modem. In the morning he went and got one. I went to work at my sister's in the meantime. When I got home, it was all hooked up and I could be on the system with no issues.

He pretty much apologized or asked how I was feeling all day. He felt really bad for how he made me feel. So we were determing where we should hang artwork in the house tonight and I started getting fussy.

'Come on lets give you a few swats.'

Ok...wait, what? Not the big paddle!! Noooooo! OMG I hate that thing. He never uses that unless it's punishment. I thought I was going to be sick. I think he realized and didn't keep going. We went right back to deciding on the artwork and I was fine.

I'm thinking I may be doomed to being spanked daily one way or another for a while. *sigh* Who knows.

I just want to feel relaxed and happy. I'm doing ok tonight. I hope it lasts.

But honestly...who gets spanked on their birthday and it's not birthday spanks???

Oct 24, 2011

Who The Heck Are You???

Friday night...

I'm lying on the couch. We are watching tv. Dutch is working.

'K!' 

My eyes pop open.

'Do you need to go to bed?'

"No"

We go back to our respective activities. My eyes are still closing, but it was because they were hurting so badly!

'K!'

My eyes pop open.

'Cmon, let's put you in bed.'

"I'm not tired."

'You're falling asleep. C'mon let's go.'

"I don't want to go to bed."

'I don't care. Tell your friend goodnight. NOW!' (I was texting)

So I poutingly told her I had to go, that I was being put to bed. She said 'it's early!' I said I know. He's being a tool! I pouted cleaning up my area, taking my sweet time. Got my pills, plugged my phone in as slow as I could.

'K!  Let's go Now!'

So I slowly and not in a direct line made my way to the stairs.   (WHAT A BRAT!)

'Upstairs Now!'

I stomped all the way up the stairs. Went to the bed and stood their and then slowly got in. (my head is saying WHO ARE YOU? STOP ACTING LIKE THIS!)

'LAY DOWN!'

So I did. In a huff. He tucked me in, turned out the lights, left the room and I went to sleep.

I soooooo deserved a spanking for that, but he didn't spank me. He was simply too tired.

Saturday morning...

We wake up, but are still lying there. I think we both woke up in relatively good moods in our groggy states. I woke up a bit quicker and started playing with his face. I was having fun. I pinched his nose and he said 'no'. He didn't like that. Well for some reason it rubbed me the wrong way and I started to feel the attitude coming back. I got up. Then I plopped back down on the bed, lying halfway on and halfway off. He opens his eyes.

'Looks like you're ready for a spanking.'

"No I'm not."

'That's a good spanking position.' (note, he is in a good mood and is kidding with me, but I just had to push)

"Like you'd do anything."

'I'd spank you.'

"Yeh, ok."

So he starts to get up and I run across the room while he is coming at me fast.

"Noooo, leave me alone, I'm busy!" (I was opening the blinds)

He comes up and smacks me hard on both cheeks. (I think he's still trying to play with me)

I'm mad. "You're not supposed to spank me while I'm standing up!!" (for medical reasons)

He was done with me now.

'Ok then...' as he turns me around and starts to push me toward the bed. I promptly resist. He pushes. I grab hold of the columns that separate the room.

"I don't want a spanking!"

'I don't care, I've had enough. Let go!'

He finally gets me off the columns and gets me to the bed.

'Bend over'  Which I don't. So he pushes me down. ( I KNOW, I KNOW, I NEVER ACT LIKE THIS! )

I struggle to get up, he holds me down with little effort. He tries to take my pj pants down, but they are tied so he reaches for the tie. I give him no help and push down so he can't. (what the heck is wrong with me?)
He gets it untied and I grab it so he can't pull them down.

'You had better let go right now!' he sorta growled. I finally realized I was doomed.

He got them down and starting smacking my bottom as hard and fast as he could.

'You are being rude and disrespectful to me. I am not going to allow that!'

Man does his hand hurt when he is going full out.

"Okaayyyy. I'm sorry. Please stop. I'll be good!"

He kept spanking and spanking. Finally he stopped. I was huffing and puffing.

'We are not going to start the weekend out like this with this attitude. Do you understand me?'

"Yes sir"

'Ok, you can pull your pants back up. Come here.'

So I did and he held me and I knew I was forgiven. The rest of the day I was fine. I was glad he took charge and didn't let me get away with anymore.

Sunday late afternoon...

Sunday is maintenance day. (no, we aren't really going to call it bacon...well, maybe if we are out somewhere and looking for a code word...LOL)

"Are you still going to spank me?"

'Yes, not right now, but yes. Do you want it right now?'

"I don't know"

'Come on. Let's get it over with.' He starts to get up to go upstairs.

"Can't we just down here?"

'No, I want to go upstairs.'   Wisely I followed this time without fighting.

'You're just going to bend over the bed' (normally I'm over his knees on the bed...I like that better  :(  )

He used the balsa wood paddle that I hate. It wasn't too bad though.

However, the rest of the day, I was good, but unsettled internally. This gets back to my last post about not enough. Well shoot. I felt like I needed another spanking.

Later that night...

"Dutchy, I'm going to bed."

'You want me to tuck you in?'

"Yeh, I guess."

'What's wrong?'  He's following me out of the office to the bedroom.

"I just think I...I don't feel right"

'Do you need another spanking?'

"I don't know...maybe. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I feel guilty about spending too much money recently and putting us in a bad spot." He knew I was struggling with that all day.

'That's not your fault and we are fine. I will check into things. I just haven't had time. You've done nothing wrong."  I had called the credit card company earlier that day to check on the balance. He hates when I do. I always freak.

"I still feel guilty."

'Well, I can set your butt on fire and then tuck you in.'   He is smirking as he gets up to get the same paddle.

"Why do you have to say it like that?!?"

'Ok, bend over.'  He's in his playful, I'm going to like whacking your butt mood. So he starts to spank me and by about the 15th swat I break down. I'm quietly crying. He spanks a bit more. Stops. Pull me up to him to hold me.

"Thank you sir for spanking me"

'You're welcome sweetie. Do you feel better?'

"Yes, I think so. I don't know what is wrong with me. Do you think I'm crazy for asking for a spanking?"

'No. I think it's just a very emotional time right now. A lot has been going on. I haven't been able to really give you the attention you need and you've been great about it.'

I mentioned about the 2 maintenance days a week scenario. It's still in discussion.

So he tucked me in and I couldn't sleep. I needed him there. When I went to him, he was coming up anyway. After he got in bed, I went right to sleep. I was still a little bit depressed the next day, but then guess what? I started my cycle. Sooooo, I am now blaming hormones for my craziness.

I deserved every spanking I got and probably about  5 more I didn't get but should have. I don't know. Stupid hormones. That's what Dutch thinks it was too. Well that and all the other stuff going on. I mean it's fine, we're fine, but I think the hormones just heightened the emotions from the other stuff.

*sigh* I have been so good. I was such a brat. But I've paid for it I think. All is well.

My husband takes good care of me (even though he thinks he doesn't). I'm one of the lucky ones.

Oct 19, 2011

Should there be more bacon?

Soooo I hate asking for a spanking. But sometimes I just feel like I need one even when he doesn't. Now he will always comply, but who wants to have to ask? You just want your HOH to always know when you need and want one even if you don't want one or don't think you want one. Well, you know what I mean.

I think I'm too good. I try not to argue with him on things. He doesn't ask a lot of me, but what he does ask, I always try to get done. I tell him everything. I let him be my rock. I don't turn him down for intimate relations. I do my best to be respectful. Since I do that, he isn't on me all the time, doesn't feel the need to punish me hardly ever, gives me compliments on things I do.

So, I don't get spanked a lot. You all know I get maintenance. Well, a couple of times he has mentioned having maintenance twice a week. I haven't really shown signs of wanting this. I know I shouldn't have a choice and I have eluded to that. However, he kind of gives me a choice. He always wants to know my thoughts and since we agree that this is a mutual arrangement where I have stated I want him in charge, he will always consider my feelings on things.

Sooooo, I don't know. Maintenance twice a week? That sounds crazy to me because lots of times I say I don't want the one we have now some weeks. (which he promptly tells me he doesn't care and he'll just get out the big paddle if I don't comply). I pretty much have learned to get over his knees and take it gracefully. If I do he is more lenient. Otherwise, he will attempt to make a point. No thank you!

I don't know. Lots of times I feel like I'm so good that I end up not getting what I need. Then I get afraid of the thought of more. I don't want to brat to get it though. I want to obey him, respect him and make him proud of me.

I ask him occasionally if he likes DD. If he thinks it's helped. He agrees that it's brought us closer. Plus he loves spanking me.  He doesn't like to punish but knows maintenance keeps me centered.

Soooo, yeah. I just don't know. I hate having to tell him I feel like I need to spend some time over his knees, but lately, I have felt that way and have admitted that to him twice. He complies. It's still really hard to ask.

Maintenance...twice a week or no? Just keep asking for it randomly when I need it or no? Brat or no?

So the word maintenance. I told him Stormy mentioned that she doesn't like that word because she is not a truck that needs work. So I asked him what he thought about that. So he started thinking about it and decided that maybe it did sound like that. He then decided to look up synonyms for the word in the dictionary. Here are some of them:
Subsistence
Upkeep
Sustenance
Keeping
Repair
Retainment
Bacon

So, we have now decided to call it bacon. Sunday...'are you ready to go upstairs and get your bacon'?

This could be really bad! I told you guys we need serious help!

I love my crazy husband!

Oct 4, 2011

He's Gone!

I know, I'm a big baby. Sue me!

He had to go out of town for 4 days. I can't make it to Fri. I just can't. I want him here. I need him here.

I know I'm being selfish. He has a job to do. Other people have husbands gone all the time.

I don't care. I want him here.

It's his fault! He's so dang wonderful. I'm addicted to my husband!

You know, I have always loved my husband. We have had our ups and downs. We didn't have any real marital issues before starting DD. However, DD has somehow brought us sooooo much closer together. Almost to a fault. I just can't be without him anymore. I don't care if he wanted me over his knee the whole time, I just want him here.

*Sigh* Ok, I'll quit complaining...I guess. It's just that I was doing fine this morning until he sent me an email entitled 'My sweet baby'. He just wanted to make sure I had his itinerary in case anything happened I would know where he was last. *Sigh* Isn't that just sooooo sweet! What is wrong with me?!?

I need to start up hobbies again or something. I'm too focused on him all the time. We have been soo good together lately.

I haven't been punished in weeks. I've been a very good girl. Ok, so I still get sassy sometimes and moody, but I'm not being bad. I pretty much obey. I try to be respectful. I catch myself a lot quicker when I'm not or he says something and apologize and cut it out right away.

I still get maintenance though. If I didn't I think I would fall apart. It keeps me centered. Last weekend he was sick, so no maintenance. I didn't complain. I didn't act out. I did everything I was supposed to and more. He thanked me twice last week for being so good. So I got maintenance on Sunday as usual, but not with the balsa wood paddle I hate. He only spanked me with his hand. Now don't get me wrong, his hand HURTS. I swear it's like a built-in paddle. Also, using his hand, he's able to mold to my sit spots better (oh goody...not). He also went for my thighs this time which he normally doesn't. For some reason though, since it was all with his hand, over his knees and he spanked everywhere...I felt so much more submissive and close to him right then. Crap...like I need to feel any closer! He told me later when we were out that I'm always a lot more submissive right after a spanking. Well I should hope so! That's kinda the point isn't it?

He loves it. I love it. He loves me. I love him. We are sick sad sappy people who need to get a life!

Is it Friday Yet?

Sep 15, 2011

I am his now

This post is a bit random and 'catching up' so-to-speak.

I'm trying to decide if I should blog again or not. If I do, this time around, no making any friends. I don't trust it. I've been hurt by too many people out here. Those who have been great, have been at more of a distance really. I think that's the way it has to be. I guess I have to learn to play the fake game.

I'd been on hiatus because of that and because of terrible pain in my arms. The pain is better, but we will see if this re-injures me or not. I'm still in therapy, so who knows. I did get permission from Dutch to try though.

As far as the DD front, we are still going. I still get maintenance every weekend. He's gotten stricter about certain things, like whining, foot stomping, bedtimes (ohhh, got spanked for that recently!) etc...  He still doesn't give me chores to do (medically that's been a challenge). He has started saying things like 'don't take that tone with me' or don't talk to me that way'. Quite frankly, it's hot.

It has been 'hot' around here. We are finding each other like never before. DD has been good for us.

I've discovered my husband is a closet spanko. He, much to my chagrin, LOVES to spank my bottom. We had one really fun night recently and in the process I got one of the worst spankings I've ever gotten. However, since my mind was in a different place, I never cried, was never upset. I took it. All of it. I was quite bruised and never had been before. I was kind of proud of those marks. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I kind of felt like I belonged to him.

I am his now. Makes me all warm and fuzzy.

Jun 10, 2011

May 18, 2011

Feel Crazy Lately

I don't know. Well, I do know one thing. Mother Nature made a visit last week and literally the day before...I was a beast. I was mean and moody and cranky. It was awful. I admit. I needed a good spanking.

Finally my husband had had enough. He took me upstairs, told me to remove my pants and he sat on the bed. I went over his knees. He walloped me HARD. I fought. I sassed. I got my butt worn out! (ok, for me, maybe not some of you out there). I was not being respectful. He asked me why I wasn't answering with 'sir' and I said 'because I don't want to!'. Ok, not my brightest moment! Bet you can't guess what I got as an answer to that? Yep, really hard painful swats. Was I saying sir by the end? Your darn right I was!

I finally broke at one point and told him something that had bothered me since Wednesday. Well I got 20 swats for lying about there being anything wrong!

I needed it though. I really did. I was on the verge of a volcanic eruption of epic proportions.

And you know what? I thought it was enough, but now I know it wasn't. He should have kept going until I was totally broken I think. IDK!

So then Sunday, maintenance day, he paddled me in the morning. I just wanted to get it over with so we could enjoy the rest of the day. Oh, that stupid thin balsa wood paddle that he uses rapid fire and stings like ants! He knows I hate that thing! I think that one is better for quicker spankings, not longer ones where I am being punished or just need an attitude adjustment.

Then, I was being smart for most of the day and he was in a 'swinging mood' and I must have had about another 3 smaller spankings. Then he was in the bathroom. The door was pulled to, but not fully closed. I was talking about something, being bratty. He shut the door all the way. Well...I kicked it. (I KNOW!!! I WASN'T THINKING) Needless to say, he yells out

'that's 10'

"why? I was playing"

'no you weren't, that's 20. go pick an instrument'

"I don't want to" (what the heck is wrong with me?!!!)

'That's 30, go pick and instrument'

"this isn't fair!"

'that's 50, you want to keep going?'

So I go get the spatula, the least of the evils. He takes me OTK on the couch and whacks me 50 times hard. Ouch! I hate those things. After Friday and all the little spankings and now this...I was sore.

Sooo, I settled down a bit after that.

Here's the point though. I think I haven't been getting enough. I am not bad though. He has no reason to punish me, which I don't want anyway. However, maintenance is either not enough in and of itself or I need more than one day or maybe a random out-of-the-blue spanking. He called the Friday one a 'level-setting' spanking. I hadn't really been spanked hard in a while. I think I was beginning to feel less like he was in charge. Even though I know he will spank me if I go to far. IDK. I just feel off lately. Not as in control of who I am supposed to be. He's been strict with me, he has. He mostly is with bedtime. He's starting to use that as a punishment.

I guess I feel a little like Rogue, should I start bratting? No, I know...that's not fair. Actually, I don't try, it just sort of starts to happen.

Oh well. At least I have maintenance. LOL

May 5, 2011

A Dream

Anyone who really knows me knows that I love dreams. Dreaming is one of my favorite things. I don't always remember them, but when I do, it makes me happy. Only a handfull of times in my life have I ever had a dream where it upset me. Most people feel they just dream and typically literally about the day's events or a movie they just watched or something. Some people feel they only dream when someone dies. Some people feel the they don't dream at all (although we know everyone has to to stay sane). I dream based on my emotions.

When I was growing up, dreams were very important to me. Due to my background, like others in this world, a lot of things were very stressful.  Most of that stress I kept inside. I was a very emotional child...on the inside. What I showed on the outside probably looked very normal.

I also have a fascination with weather. I love weather, always have. Tornados in particular fascinate me. I think it may be for this reason that when I am very stressed, I dream about tornados. Always have and I suppose I always will.

When I was growing up, I dreamt about tornados quite frequently and had one dream in particular that was a recurring dream. Later, when a particularly stressful relationship issue was resolved, the dream went away. After about 18 years of dreaming the dream, it never came back. That stress trigger was resolved. So yes, dreams, and in particular those with tornados in them mean something to me. They mean I am at the pinnacle of stress for that period of time. When the dream is over, it's almost a calm that comes over me. They're like friends helping me through. It's not upsetting to me. I always want to know what triggered it that time though and what the particular way the tornado came about in the dream meant for whatever triggered it.

Now, last Thanksgiving, we had to put our only baby girl dog down. She had cancer. We had her for 12 years. She was a valentine's present from hubby. It was a terrible loss to us.

Ever since Maia passed, she comes to me in my dreams when I'm sad. The first time she came, she was her adult self and she came to me, I petted her and then she turned and ran off into the grass. There she had changed into a puppy and was playing with other puppies. I figured this was her way of telling me she was ok. Since then, she's come to me about 4 other times.

Why am I telling you about the tornado and dog dreams?

Things have been kind of stressful recently. Friends broke, friends sick, relatives of friends dying, work  tasks, Mother's Day coming, upcoming medical stuff, work around the house, parents losing jobs, family members sick, the national stage of this country, gas prices, issues with maintaining friendships, my attempt to understand who God thinks I am so I know who I am, to feel the Glory of God. In the past couple of weeks, everything just seems hopeless, although I don't really feel hopeless. I really thought I was handling stuff better. Anyway, apparently not.

I had a dream last night.

In the dream, we were in the house, family and friends. I got a feeling that the tornado was coming. I looked out the window just in time to see the funnel cloud come down. In fact, 5 funnel clouds came down. I ran to the closet in the middle of the house and screamed for eveyone to get in the closet. But no one moved. Everyone just looked at me. I screamed the that tornados were coming to get in the closet. No one moved. They just told me there were no tornados. I finally came out of the closet to look outside to prove that they were there, but when I got to the window, they were gone. It was simply raining.

Then Maia came to me. She walked toward me and looked at me. I petted her and she walked off. I awoke after that.

Now, I have never had a tornadic dream where no one saw the tornado but me. There is never rain in these dreams. I have never had a tornado and Maia in the same dream.

It bothered me a little. What did it mean? I told Dutch about it. Here is what he surmised.

He said that he thought that naturally with everything lately, I am stressed, but he thinks the stress in this dream is localized. He thinks that the trouble I was having with the DD world friends and me trying to push them away, getting scared, etc...is why. I haven't felt worthy in God's eyes either. He said he thinks me seeing the tornados is chaos, the chaos of the events. The fact that no one sees it but me is simply that people don't see me like I see me. They see it as I am fine. They love me as their friends and God loves me too. Me dealing with it caused the trigger. I think there is merit in this theory. Maia coming to me was to tell me that know matter what, it will all be ok. That I am fine. I will be fine.

There is a comfort in this. It helps me to think that I might just be worthy and that things will be ok.

So while I was at first a little disturbed, I am now comforted. My baby came to me and told me that the chaos will go away, it will all be ok.

Tonight, I will sleep well. Which means though, that tonight, I may not dream...I'm ok with that.

Apr 25, 2011

A funny and not so funny day

S, first, thank you to all who commented on my last blog. I am feeling much better. Not perfect. Just better.

Second, I got my backside peppered.

So Dutch was out of town this weekend. He came home Sunday to find out what I had done, or attempted to do.

What you ask?

Just tried to push two friends out here in blogland away. I was scared. Scared because I am becoming good friends with them. Scared of what that means. Scared they may hurt me. So I push away before that can happen. I have trust issues. We all know that. So I tried to cut them off. In the process I hurt them.

I was horrified at what I had done. I felt bad. Trapped in my own web.

When Dutch got home he saw it all over my face.

'What's going on'

"Babe you just got here, we'll talk later"

'No, let's talk now. What happened?'

"Well, let's go upstairs, I want to change clothes"

So we get upstairs and I spill everything in about 5 minutes.

'You need to quit doing that. You need to start trusting people. They are really sweet to you. You can ask for space, but you can't just cut people off like that. It's not fair. Why did you do that anyway?'
(cause I'm a paranoid lunatic!) (hate it when he's right)

Insert excerpt from above here about trust.

'You need to apologize. I want you to tell them both why you did it.'

"Ok"

'Today is maintenance day. You want to do it now or tonight?' (try never)

(whispering) "I don't need maintenance any more."

He laughed! LAUGHED! (NOT FUNNY)

'Yes you do' (yeah ok, I know, dangit!)
'You want it now or tonight?'

"I don't want it at all"

'Stand up and take your pants off'

So I did.

'Panties too!' (darnit, never works)

So I did.

'Pick one paddle'

I picked the leather heart paddle. He chuckled at that. (what the heck does he think is so funny?)

'Bend over the bed'

So he started spanking me hard right from the start. I couldn't tell when he switched from hand to paddle and back and forth because he was hitting so hard. This was maintenance with punishment built in so it was harder than it would have been. I was lifting my feet up.

'Keep your feet on the floor' (it's not me! they're dancing on their own!)

Then I moved my hand to the side.

'Grab your pillow' (I have this pink heart pillow that I hold when getting spanked)

So I grabbed it. I thought he'd never stop! Finally he did and started rubbing my back.

'Ok, you're done'  'Come here'

He hugged and kissed me as always. I apologized to those friends. They forgave me (well one wasn't going to let me go away whether I wanted to or not anyway and the other was glad to hear I got spanked for it!)

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So I also had told him that I was upset that I felt like I couldn't find the balance between all of this stuff out here and my hobbies and reading. I wanted to get back to that more, without ignoring or leaving people or this world (since my backside just had a discussion about that). Well I had a small meltdown. So know what he did? HE PUT ME ON COMPUTER RESTRICTION! (oops!) Sundays, indefinitely, no computer so I can concentrate on other things. It's a good thing I guess. I can still message on my phone as long as it 'doesn't get out of hand' and 'you don't complain to me about not doing stuff'. So yeh, we'll see.

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So we went about our day. So then came the funnier stuff.

He emptied a 2-liter coke bottle, washed it out and handed it to me and turned back to the sink. Now all I had to do was put it on the end of the counter. That's where we put the recycle stuff before it goes out to the bin. But I didn't. I was being bratty, so I dropped it right there on the floor. He turns around and sees it on the floor and gives me the 'look'.

"What?"

He turns and goes for the metal spatula.

"Noooooo, it was an accident, I'm picking it up!"

He stops. He's smirking cause he knows I'm being bratty.  'Oh really? How was that an accident?'

"My arm got really heavy!"

He just busted out laughing bent over the counter. Then he comes over, turns me around and pops me on the butt.

'What am I going to do with you?' 'Go on'

So he starts leading me into the family room and was too close and stubbed his toe on me. LOL! So he's bent over wincing because he has bad big toes, so anytime they get tapped, stomped, stubbed or whatever it hurts. But I couldn't help but laugh.

"What happened?"

(excuse the language here)
'I stubbed my toe like a dumbass'

"I'm sorry you're a dumbass"

I was trying to hold in my chuckles. He gets up and grabs me and turns me around and pops me hard.

"What was that for?"

'Smartass. You called me a dumbass and you are laughing at my toe' (he's smiling)

"Ok, so wait...what if I sympathize with you, but still call you a dumbass? Does that help?"

SMACK SMACK

'Smartass'

"I'm trying to help! Ok, so you want to be a smartass or dumbass?"

SMACK SMACK

(he's chuckling now)

"Oh, so you just want to be an ass?"

SMACK SMACK and he just busts out laughing

'I CAN'T WIN WITH YOU' 'You need to right a book on just crap you say like this, so people see what I have to deal with ALL the time!'

Hee Hee...whaaat? Ok, I'm a brat, but he loves it! (as long as there is no attitude!)

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P.S. - Tomorrow is 14 yrs married and 20 yrs together for us. Poor guy!

Apr 19, 2011

Landslide

I'm in a landslide.

I know my husband wants me to do this, to post, to be in a group, to talk, to chat with people. He thinks it's good for me. I can get closed off and he thinks I need the connection.

Are things good with Dutch you ask? Yes. He's awesome. I couldn't ask for a better man. This is not about him. It's about me.

The connection. I can't seem to get the connection. I feel like I'm playing at it. I don't feel like it's really happening. I don't want it with everyone out here either. That would overwhelm me in a whole other way. I just want to understand am I making a friend? Are they a real friend or a 'let's make you feel good for the moment friend'? How do I know? How do I even know they are real?

And I mean, you're supposed to care about the people right? But not too much. There's too many. It'll drag you down. But let go. Be cautious. Connect. Don't tell too much about yourself.

I'M SO CONFUSED! It depresses me and stresses me. I feel I make all the wrong moves. Say all the wrong things. Hurt where I want to help. I feel...useless. I can't really help anyone. I can't really help myself.

That's issue #1. (but I do appreciate those who truly have tried to be a friend to me)
But I'm not giving up yet. I'm still trying.


I feel like everything I touch at work is wrong. I'm not where I want to be yet and it frustrates me.

I need to clean my house and I just don't care.  The whole thing could fall down right now and I seriously could care less (I'll end up cleaning it anyway).

People out there are having real issues and mine are so petty. I feel like a jackheimer for feeling like I do right now.

I'm in a landslide.

So what's the real issue #2...

I saw yet another show about someone having a child. About another who was waiting for a child to enter their arms, but then the mom changed her mind and decided to keep it. I see shows where people have children and don't care for them, yet they still get to take them home at night. Heck, I have 2 of those type people in my immediate family.

It cuts me to the quick. The child thing hurts me. It always will. It was a long horrid road to nowhere for us (no, I won't go into all the details) and it's over. What will never be over is knowing that it's over. I couldn't do this for him. (yes, we have exhausted all the options)

He has said 'if it's just us I'm fine with that'. We both say that. I think we say it to deal with it because it's all we have left.

I hear people talk about their children and I'm so happy for them. I really am. In big groups I start to landslide though. It gets overwhelming.

Days like Mother's Day when people say 'Happy Mother's Day' to me out in stores and such...my heart drops and my knees almost buckle.

How many times in my life am I going to have this moment where things like this happen and my feelings start to slide hearing it, seeing it...wishing it?

Everyone I know is prego right now. They tell me with caution. I hate that I make them feel they need to do that. I know they're right though. I will slide.

I'm in a landslide.

Then I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and remember that I have some beautiful nieces and nephews and I love being and aunt. Dutch is a terrific uncle (cause he a terrific everything and I don't deserve him).

I heard a quote tonight that I thought was lovely:
'Every child born is a sign that God is not yet discouraged with us.'

So, I am happy for those who can have them. It is a beautiful thing for the world as a whole...no matter who has them.

God bless.

Apr 12, 2011

Punished

Yep, I was punished. 10 swats with the big wooden paddle that he only uses like that for punishment (but never really has before). I did not like it. It gets to the point quickly though!

Why did I get punished you ask?

I called Dutch on his way home to ask about dinner. I had worked late, he had left late. We haven't been to the store. Usually he will pick something up on his way when we are in this state. So I said I'd try to start doing that if noone was cooking. Then I made that fateful mistake...I said I was a terrible wife.

Big NO NO in our house. That's a rule. He doesn't want to hear that. He says it hurts him.

So, he said I was getting spanked when he got home and guess what? I was spanked when he got home. I didn't argue. He took the big paddle out and told me why he was using it and asked if I understood. I bent over. I said yes sir and he spanked me.

I knew I deserved it. He held me afterwards. I cried. He held me. I cried.

We went downstairs to spend time down there together and eat dinner. He must have asked me about 5 times if it was going to happen again and told me how much he hates that. He also reminded me that I only got 10 (a warning). I started crying again. I felt really bad. We talked. He hugged and kissed me and that was that.

Then he thanked me on his way to bed for letting him 'take care' of me without a fuss. :)

I love my man.

Apr 9, 2011

Reflection

Lately, we've been seeing what other couples do for discipline other than spanking. Dutch is not really for that, but I've told him that some have to write lines and some have corner time. He doesn't understand what corner time is for. To him it's just a childish thing to do. I explained that from what I have seen it's a time of reflection either about what is going to happen or what just did happen and how it can be prevented, etc... and it's not always literally in the corner.

Last night, we went to my sister's for dinner. My niece and her friend put on a dance talent show. They had given us fake flowers to throw at the end. It was over, we were all throwing them except Dutch. He was talking and I just wanted him to throw it so we could leave because we had been there way longer than we intened. So I grabbed the flower and yanked it out of his hand. Little did I know that the very end had a metal piece sticking out. It sliced his finger open! He gave me this look, but by the time we were home, he wasn't mad. He knew it was an accident.

So this morning we were sitting here watching tv and I was on my laptop. I got up to get something and when I came back I stood by Dutch for a second and he start patting my bottom.

"I think it misses me"

'well that's your choice' (ok, clearly not the brightest thing I've ever said)

I sat down and picked up my laptop.

"oh really? Ok then, let's go. Put the laptop down" (huh?)

'what? why?'

"we're going to go ahead and do maintenance today instead of tomorrow, you obviously need it"
(nope, not really, but thanks for playing)

'ummm, ok'

We get upstairs, standing by the bed.

"Pick two paddles"

'Two?'

"Yep, two" (he's smiling. I hate it when they smile)

He gets on the bed.

"Come on"

'Can I leave my pants on (pajama pants)'

"Sure"

'Really?' (there's a trick in here somewhere)

"Sure, I'll just hit harder" (I knew it!!)

'that's not fair!'

"get the big wooden paddle"

'are you serious?'

"yep, let's go"

So I climb up and over.

"you ready"

'yes sir'

So he starts with his hand. He's concentrating on my sits spots. Then he starts in with that ^%$(^%(* thin balsa wood paddle. I swear nothing builds up a sting that feels like fire ants biting you quicker than that does! I was tearing up. I'd seen him grab that one and whined a little and so he decided to move the paddles to where I couldn't see them.

He used his hand a little bit more.

Then he starts using the big wooden one. I don't care how light or hard it is, bare or not, that thing hurts. No matter how light he tries to go, it's just awful to me. I didn't get too many of those though, maybe 12.

He used his hand a little bit more.

Then he moves to the leather paddle. If I had to pick a favorite, this one would be it for sure. It can pack a punch depending on how hard he swings. He was probably going med force.

I was breathing kind of heavy.

"you ok"

'yes sir' (no, you're beating my butt!!)

"you sure"

'yes sir'

"ok, I'm going to give you 8 more and then we will be done. I'm going to give you 2 with each and then the last two with my hand. Ok?"

'yes sir'

"I'm going to go worst to least, ok?"

'ok'

"you ready?"

'yes sir' (I was like 5 minutes ago!)

So he did and these all were the hardest with each. Ouch! But then it was done. I crawled into his arms and he hugged me and kissed me.

"so, what do we need to remember from this weekend?"

I was truly perplexed. I didnt't have a clue what he wanted me to say.

He shows me his sliced finger. (oh yeh...that)

'we don't snatch things out of people's hands'

"I know it was an accident, but you need to be patient. That was rude"

'I know, I'm sorry'

He gets up.

"Come on"

I thought we were going to take showers. Oh how wrong I was! He took a chair and put it in our closet!

"sit down"

I sat.

"I want you to do some relfection time"

I didn't say anything. He set the alram on his phone for 20 minutes and handed it to me, closed the door most of the way and left.

I started crying. He came back in.

"are you ok? what's wrong?"

I just cried.

"you not talking to me now?"

sniffling 'you told me to reflect'

"ok"  and he left

I sat there for 20 minutes crying off and on thinking about how rude I was and impulsive to snatch that flower away. What was it worth? I hurt him? He's so awesome to me and I was rude and it led to that!

Well, by the time the 20 minutes were up, I was quite contrite. I walked downstairs.

"hey Pud"

'hey'

"you ok?"

I walked over and sat down on his lap starting to cry.

"what's wrong? Sweetie?"

Crying now. 'I'm sorry I hurt you! It was rude of me to snatch that out of your hand and I won't do it ever again!'

"I know. Sweetie? Sweetie. Calm down. Shhhh, it's ok. Honestly, I just wanted to try out the reflection thing to see how you would react. I wanted to see if it's something we should use again. I'm not mad. Shhhh, calm down. It's ok."

He's rubbing my back and I'm clinging to his neck like it's going to fall off. We sat like that until I composed myself.

The rest of the day was great. We went and had massages and then went to dinner at a friend's house.

Will he use that reflection time again? I don't know, but I told him when he asked me what I thought that I thought 20 minutes was too long. I could handle 10. He kind of laughed.

"That's why I chose 20." (grrrrrrrrr)

Not my favorite form of discipline I can tell you that!

I love my man though. He's really stepping up his game. I respect him more and more.

Apr 8, 2011

Curious - what do you do?

So I have been trying to show my husband videos of another HoH using a belt. Dutch doesn't have much control with it and right now anyway would only use it for severe punishment. Should that change in the future, I wanted him to see what another HoH does differently thus allowing for more control.

So, that said, it got me thinking about implements and the body and spanking in general. So here are my questions for all. I am strictly asking from an LDD perspective. So if you are into anything else, please do not reply in that capacity.

1) Do you think all implements are appropriate for all types of spanking or do you use certains ones for play, certain ones for maintenance and certain ones for punishment?

2) Are there any implements that you feel should never be used? (including items around the house that you have heard others use)

3) What parts of the body do you think are ok to use an implement on and what is not ok?

4) Do you think it is ok to bruise or welt or leave marks?

5) Do you think warmups should be used? If so, with hand or an implement?

6) Do you have a set place for spankings to occur or do you just do it wherever you are?

7) Do you think all spankings should be formal or are random swats appropriate?

8) How many warnings should there be before a formal spanking? Does it matter if it was about something that was already a rule?

9) Do you think all spankings should be bare?

Thanks for answering! Especially any HoHs!  Dutch and I both will be very curious to see everyone's answers.

Apr 6, 2011

What to do?

So I feel like I have been making friends in this cyberworld. However, the more I let go, the greater risk I have of saying or doing the wrong thing, offending them.

The truth is I have liked getting to know these people in this world. I find it stressful though wondering if I've said something wrong. I don't know how to control those feelings when it happens. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone.

Also, I haven't truly let them in. I won't tell people about real things I pray for in my life that I need prayer for because I don't want them to pray for me. I think those prayers are better used for them and others. I want them to be well. I want to keep the focus on them.

It's going to end up being something that is something hard that they have had to work through in life or just differences in thinking for how we were brought that leads to that thing that will end the friendship. We are all so different. How to you combat that? I think I am just being, not judging, just caring about them. Something always seems off though. Like if something happens and they say it's ok, it's still always a bit damaged.

Dutch says it's fine. He tells me not to give up, not to worry.

I'd say it's hormones, but I have no reason to believe that. No, I think it was a conversation as usual that triggered my emotions into places they just didn't need to go. I don't know why I let things run away like that.

Is it because I can't see people? I can't hug them? I can't really do for them as a friend would, other than give encouraging words which I think they find monotanous after a while?

I just cry. Dutch talks me down. I cry. Dutch talks me down. I'm so glad he loves me enough to put up with this crap.

So here is the question. Do I walk away? Do I shut everything down related to this world? Emails, chats, blogs, etc... It would alleviate any possible instances in the future of hurting or offending someone. It would be less stressful for everyone. Wouldn't it?

Two songs keep going though my head everyday. 'The Climb' and 'You Raise Me Up'.

Dear God...please help. Amen.

Apr 4, 2011

Welcome Home Honey!

So I'm back from my mini vaca with my sister. I was on my computer in the blue room and Dutch comes in and leans over to me. He's smiling.

"Maintenance tonight"

I looked at the computer.

"K?"

I looked back.

"Maintenance tonight"

'Do we have anything we have to discuss during maintenance or is this just maintenance?'

"just maintenance, I have no reason for anything else" (yet)

'ok'

So we went to dinner and ran errands.

He decided he'd go ahead when we got back before he logged back into work.

"pick a paddle" (I hate that but if I don't pick, he'll pick the big wooden one just to spite me!)

He didn't give me a very hard spanking. However, I couldn't stop being sassy. Now we were bantering a bit, he was laughing, but every sassy thing I did, while he thought funny, still got me spanked more!

Trying to get up before he said ok...got me spanked more.

Later stomping my (naturally dancing) feet got me spanked more.

Lying about growling under my breath got me spanked more.

Blowing rasberries got me spanked more.

I don't know what was wrong with me! (shut your mouth Kelly!!)

We were still laughing and smiling and kissing and well other stuff when all was said and done. I'm a bit sore, but it's all good.
Maybe we both wanted me to be sassy tonight! Hmmmmmm...

Mar 31, 2011

What did Forest Gump say?

Stupid is as stupid does.

Oh no truer words were spoken and should have been spoken of me last night.

Yep, I was stupid, idiotic, a DA. I revealed some info about someone that I shouldn't have. They caught it in time (thank goodness), but oh that was bad. I don't want these things happening to me yet I went and did it to someone else. It was an accident and the person was gracious about it. However, it shouldn't have happened. I should have paid more attention. I could have ruined their life. I don't know how to forgive myself for something that could ruin someone's life. I no longer think I should be trusted with sensitive information.

I told Dutch about it. He was not happy. He lectured me and I thought he was going to spank me, but he didn't. I guess he knew how bad I felt and I was already starting to cry when he started to lecture. He gave me a stern warning not to let it happen again though...a few times. He's right though. There's no excuse for not paying attention with things like that.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

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Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get.

Well yeh. I went to the dentist yesterday to have my regular 6 month checkup. They told me I had two cavities. What?!?!?!? TWO CAVITIES! Sooooo didn't expect that.

Oh I know why it happened, but it doesn't make me any happier.

Now I know what you are thinking...what's the big deal? Plenty of people have had cavities and worse for their teeth. Well not me. Uh uh. I've had many many things done to my body, but good teeth was the one thing I had going for me. I was not a happy camper let me tell you. I've never had anything done to my teeth except have a baby tooth pulled and my wisdom teeth cut out.

I had to go back today and get them filled. They are all the way in the very back top where you can't see and is really hard to brush.

Well, it freaked me out. I didn't care about the shot to deaden it. Needles don't bother me. I'd be dead by now if they did. It was the whole idea of drilling...in my mouth...forced open...unable to call effectively for help...or cry out in pain...so close to my brain...and all the 5 senses...nope, I did not like that at all. However, like everything else I've ever had done to me, I sat there and took it. Now it's over and all I can say is never again. Never again!

Stupid teeth.

Mar 29, 2011

This is ridiculous!

Ok so I don't know what is wrong with me. Dutch has had to spank me for one thing or another for the past 8 days. Now, only 3 of those were really hard. However, two of those, although hard, leaving me quite sore, are not allowing me to cry. I just don't know what is wrong with me. These have mostly been level-setting spankings. He didn't think last night was enough. He really thinks he should have brought me to tears to get it out.

Tonight was another level-setting one. So...spanked I was. It hurt right from the start cause I'm really sore.

We got up there...

'no not the balsa paddle, it's too stingy!'

"fine, get the heavy leather paddle"

'you know what, we don't need to this, I'm fine'

"too late, let's go"  (not too late, I'm still standing!)

'no really, I'm fine, we don't need to do this'

'NOW!"

So over I go...

"you ready?"

'noooo'

whap! "excuse me?"

'yes sir!'

and then he was off. Rapid fire as usual and all over my backside and thighs! Man it stung! Ouch! I started padding my fit really fast. He stopped.

"so how many times did you just stomp your feet and how many swats is that per stomp?" (oh crap!)

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I wasn't stomping my feet! I wasn't stomping my feet!'

"oh really? What were you doing then?"

'flailing...with style!'  (ok, so Buzz Lightyear ran through my head)

He busted out laughing. Then proceeded to whack the crap out me. When I started pleading he stopped.

'I've had enough!'

"you don't tell me when we're done. We are done when I say we are done. Do you understand?"

'yes sir' (meanie!)

"I'm giving you ten more with each and then we will be done, ok?" (uh...no)

head shake...whack..."What?"

'yes sir' (double meanie)

"you ready to count"

*sigh* 'yes sir'

and he was off...

After he was done and we'd come back downstairs, he told me two things:
1) "It's really hard to spank you when I'm laughing at comments you make like that"
(awesome, I'll keep it up then honey)
2) "You've had an attitude, ok not that kind of attitude, I mean somethings been off for days. But, if I have to spank you again tomorrow, I'm getting the big wooden paddle out. Nothing else appears to be working"
(not quite so awesome, so no thank you honey)

I personally think the funk is going away (still didn't cry). No spanking tomorrow! NO NO NO!

Mar 28, 2011

Lost

I feel lost today. I'm not sure why. I feel like I am in a new walk with God, but have no purpose. Everyone has a purpose around me. I can see God make changes in their lives, leading them, touching them, bringing things to them, loving them. I can't see it for me.

What is my purpose? Where do I belong in all of this?

There are some things in me that will never be resolved and bubble to the surface every now and then.

I was so out sorts and Dutch asked me what was wrong. I told him, I'm just out of sorts. I can't connect with anything. He led me upstairs with intention of just spanking it out of me. This never usually takes much and I snap out it, I cry, it's done.

Not today.

I could not cry. He just kept spanking and spanking and spanking. Nothing. I still haven't. Not the deep cry that I probably need. I don't know why, but I guess my shield is up trying to protect me from the things that disappoint me, confuse me, betray me. I'm very sore, but I'm not sure there could have been enough.

Then again, I am blessed. I have the most wonderful man who loves me and takes care of me in ways that no-one else could. No matter how out of sorts I am...he's always there.

~No worries

Mar 27, 2011

They're Getting Harder

My spankings. I can tell he's starting to get into the groove of this. He did my maintenance spanking this morning. We decided that I'd go otk on the bed. He told me he was going to use 3 implements this time which he has never done. He also informed me that he wasn't sure how much he was giving me. Basically it was going to be when he thought I'd had enough kind of a scenario.

He had kind of already warmed me up with some play that morning, so he just started. He started with the little balsa wood paddle. Now it doesn't look like much, but that thing stings like fire when it builds up and when he spanks, he typically does rapid fire. So it's one right after the other. I lose count quickly after about 40. So I was quickly pretty stingy. Also, he's now found the sit spots and the tops of the thighs which he loves to aim for during maintenance. OUCH!

Then he moved to the oval leather paddle. Now this one is both a bit stingy and a bit thuddy, but one is not predominant over the other. This one really leaves a more lasting impression. I have no clue how many there were with that one either.

Then he finished with the other leather heart paddle that is supposed to be for good girl spanking because the other side is furry, but he likes the way it fits in his hand so it's become a spanking favorite for anything. This one is a bit stingier than the other leather paddle and he can move a lot quicker with it and can really get my sit spots and thighs with it. OUCH! again. This time though he did something he has never done before. He made me count out the last 10 which were really really hard. That definitely put my brain in a different place. He said if I put my feet up or moved I would get 3 extra each time. I stayed in place!

This I think is the hardest maintenance I've gotten yet and I think he plans for them to just get harder! He tells me to keep my feet down and stay still. I'm getting better, but sometimes it stings so badly! I really tried this time to tell myself he's doing this to help us, help me. I need to trust that God brought him to me for this and I need to honor him. I think it helped me take it.

The rest of the day was great (except for doing taxes and stupid HOA mtg). Then tonight we got home from dinner and I went to put my jammies on and he was popping me being playful. I just couldn't get my hands on my jammies to put them on. For some reason that frustrated the heck out of me.

I snapped.

I never do that! Even he later said that was very uncharacteristic of me. It was.

He asked me if that was necessary. I just went and finished putting on my jammies. Then I went down to the office where he was and he looked at me and asked again if I thought that was necessary. I tried to explain that I didn't think he was going to stop popping me and I just wanted to get my jammies on, but I knew it was wrong. He was right. I had no reason to snap like that. It was disrespectful. He was just playing around.
So he looked at me and said 'I should probably spank you for that shouldn't I?'  I didn't say anything just looked away. He said 'you know it too.' 'Cmon, let's go.' 'Let's, go.'

So we went back to bedroom. He took the balsa wood paddle and gave me about 20 hard rapid fire swats. Oh it stung like fire. I started crying a little. He let me up, hugged me, forgave me.

I like that he's taking charge, but I need to watch my mouth. After the maintenance this morning, I didn't want anymore. I'm sore, sore, sore!!!!

Mar 25, 2011

Silly Spanking

Ok, so I don't know what happened. We got home and I went to change into my jammies and he was popping me all the way up the stairs. Somewhere along the way I got a little frustrated and when we got up stairs and stomped my feet up and down very slightly a few times.

"Did you just stomp your foot?"
'No, I was dancing'

Drags me over to the bed and gets the little balsa wood paddle out. I was pulling and resisting and doing circles to get out of his grip. He was actually impressed with my maneuvering tactics although he wasn't all that impressed with my resisting. We were still kind of laughing though.

I finally got my jammies on. He was in the office. I was pouting and went down there to tell him my butt was now warm and it was all his fault. He was hugging me and smiling and telling me it was my fault. Of course I had to be bratty.

"Are you being moody? Do you need more?"
'NO!' hmpf...start to walk off...
"Are you walking off?!" "I think you need more. Let's go"
'Noooooooooo'
"Are you whining?"
'Noooooo' 'I don't want another spankinggggg'
"Well you sure aren't acting like it"

I'm pulling away. He throws me bent over onto the bed.
"Resistence is futile" (I always knew he was a BORG (big obnoxious ridiculous goober))
Pulls my bottoms down.
"You know why you are getting this?"
'Nooooooo'
"You are resisting and being moody and you stomped your foot again" (I had tried to tell him that was just me excercising)
whaps me about 10 times and I start to get up and pull my bottoms up and move away
"Where are you going? Did I tell you you could get up?"
'No'
Pushes me back down
"You don't get up until I tell you you can"
'Yes Sir'
whaps me another 10 times
I throw my arm down.  Now that is like stomping the foot...not allowed.
whaps me 10 times
'No, that's not fair, it's 5 for that, not 10' 'I get a free arm hit!'
He laughed cause I was right and he was going to say the same thing!
Then I got moody again and started to go and he whapped me a couple more times and I tried again.
"I'm going to give you 7 more" "I could be like some and give you way more but I'm only going to give you 7 more ok"
'ok, Yes sir'
7 swats later...
"You can pull your pants up and get up" "Come here"
So I did and hugged him.
"Now, what did we learn from this?"
'next time run faster?'
He starts laughing. "I think I need to give you 10 more"
'ok, wait, ummm, don't resist?'
"And?"
'ummmmm'
"You need 10 more"
'No wait!' 'ummmm' 'No really, what else was I learning?'
"Don't stomp your feet!!!!'
'oh right, yeh, don't stomp my feet. That one is hard, they have a mind of their own'
"Why do I even bother spanking you? It does no good" He's laughing.
'Yes it doesssss'
He turns me toward the door.
"Go downstairs before I have to do something really bad to you"
I was still being sassy.
So he starts swatting me all the way to the stairs.
'Ok, ok, I'm going!' 'You aren't supposed to be following me!'
He starts to come after me and I raced down the stairs. 'Nooooooo'
He stays up there laughing and yells..."What am I going to do with you?"

Silly and serious and laughing and pouting and now I'm a little sore. What was I thinking and how did that happen?

Mar 23, 2011

Where did I put my trust today?

Well, I've recently learned of these 5 statements of faith and how to count them on my right hand to remember what they are.

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. Someone sent me a document about how God handles anxiety. So I read it. I didn't connect with everything in there, but I did get some good points out of it and honestly, I felt a little better. One thing was how to ask God for help and trust that God will help (maybe not the way you think, maybe so, maybe not in the time you think, maybe so).

Well, I think it worked today. I really do. I put my trust in God and I honestly think it worked. It was a small thing, but still...

So here's what happened. I went for a walk. There's a lot of physical activity I'm not allowed to do so it makes it difficult to excerise, but I at least try to walk. I walk as far as I can. I try to go right after work. Today was no different. However, about 1/4 mile in, my leg starting hurting. This happens sometimes, but not a lot. Just depends. When it does, I usually have to just stop because I start limping with the pain. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to keep going and I wanted to walk a little further and up the hill then I had been. So I prayed right then and there for God's help and strength to keep going and get up that little hill.

Know what happened? My leg stopped hurting! Right then and there it stopped hurting and I stopped limping.

So I put my trust in God today and I believe he answered. Which faith statment was it that I think I identified with today? I can do all things through Christ.

Yay me! (you can't see it, but I'm doing the happy dance...hula style  ;)    )

~No worries!

Mar 22, 2011

Did I get what I needed?

So Sunday night was supposed to be maintenance. We don't really have a set schedule, that's just when he thought it might be getting to that too long point where I'll start to get moody. Yeh, he's right. I was. Problem is, we got busy with other things and he forgot until I said something when he said he was going to bed. He said we'll do it after I get home tomorrow. Well I was disappointed, but I said ok. He had to go to bed and I knew that. So why did I start to get moody then? Well it was time I guess. I hate that, but it just happens.

Next day I called him at lunch crying. I was definitely going under. He calmed me down and said he'd see me later. So when he got home he knew he couldn't wait any longer. He told me to go get a paddle that he wanted to do it downstairs because he was working on my computer (it's acting weird). So he spanked me and then he stopped. Now normally even with the what most would call a small amount that he gives me, I cry. Well I didn't. Not even close.
"You need more?"
'I don't know'
"I can give you more"
'I'm not sur...whap...and we are off and running again.
He stops...breathing heavier cause those were really hard. But no, not enough.
"You need more?"
'I don't know'
"Ok well if I'm going to give you more stand up and bend over the couch. My legs hurt"  HA!
Then it really started to hurt cause I'd already got over 100 swats and the last group was fairly hard and now he was hitting my sit spots. (I hate those!)
He stops.
"You need more?"
'No sir'
"You sure?"
'Yes sir'
"Ok, let's go eat"

Well, then came bible study. That didn't go well. My first time with this group and I felt (and still do) feel like a fish out of water. I just don't fit in I don't think. I'm assured by all including Dutch that it'll be fine. It just takes time. Ok, for someone with trust and anxiety issues, yeh, it takes time. Try an eternity! Anyway, I got really upset. He was awake when I went to bed and knew something was up. So he asked and I told him. He said he thinks it'll be fine. Kept asking me if I wanted him to be like other HoHs out there. I said no, I want us to be us. (what can I say, I'm a tool, a brat)
"Do you need some more swats?"
'what?'
"Do you need some more swats?"
'Uh, I don't know'
"Get up, let's give you some more"
So he did, but this time, after the second swat I was bawling. It all just came out.
He held me and said it'll be ok.

However,
"You're getting 10 swats tomorrow for coming to bed late (and making me stay up til 1am - he was kidding on that part)"
He said he's going easy because he knows I was up with the bible study and how can he get too mad about something involving that?

He's just awesome. Was it what I needed? Finally I think it might have been.?.?.?...for that day...

Mar 20, 2011

Hubby thinks he's funny

My husband does think he's funny. Ok sometimes he is, but mostly he's on elementary school level. He admits he never wants to grow up. He identifies and gets along better with kids sometimes than adults. He'd still play with his GI Joes if he had them. I can't get him focused on buying presents for the kids when he's in a toy store. He's too busy playing with them or checking out on the new cool things they can do these days. I have to say 'honey, if you'll just give me ten minutes of focused time to decide on something, you can go back and play with the toys'. He kills me.

This morning we are lying in bed and he's stroking my hair and telling me how much fun he had with me yesterday etc... and then he starts to tell me that he's going to go get breakfast. Well I don't know why I started getting whiney but I did. I just interrupted him before he could finish telling me what he wanted to do.

"NO" (serious whiney tone)

--"What did you just say?"

"Nothing"

--"I was going to say that I was going to go get breakfast for us and bring it back"
(oops)

"Sorry"

--"I think you need some swats for that. This is what we talked about yesterday"  (double oops)
--"Ok, let's go"

So he's spanks me with his hand, HARD. Man his hand stings.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

--"I know you are but you were being disrespectful"

So he finishes up.

--"Ok, come here"
--"From now on this is what is going to happen. You've been warned enough"
(No I haven't, I'm not that smart. Someone puts stupid pills in my water everyday.)

"ok"
"Do you forgive me?"

--"Of course I forgive you. I just forgave you all over your backside!"

(cute, real cute babe, very funny)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got this new plant yesterday. Needs lots of water and indirect sunlight. I didn't water it yesterday when I got it and I guess there was too much sunlight on the table. It looked dead this morning. So I watered it and moved it in to the family room. We are sitting in the family room watching the race and I notice it perking up. I lean over to check the leaves.

(talking to the plant about the leaves) "Don't bend over"

--"They don't , but you do"

(cute, real cute babe, funny)

Viagra commercial comes on - hubby talking to the tv
"my wife would prefer it if I had erectile disfunction every once in a while"

(cute, real cute babe, funny) (but sometimes true!)

He asked what this blog title was. I told him, he stopped dead while he was drinking water, glass halfway up.
Smirk on his face.

"Do I need to read this blog?"

I just smiled.

I'm thinking maybe no, since I still have a maintenance spanking coming later tonight!
Or maybe...refer back to #5 on Stormy's list.  ;)

Mar 17, 2011

Weird Day

I've been wrestling with something the past day or so. I think I have come to a decision to just trust that it will be ok. I talked with Dutch about it and he was supportive and thought I should go ahead. So, I think I will try.

Yesterday Dutch and I had an argument about cleaning the house. Well I intended just to tell him I needed help. Somehow it escalated. He ended up leaving for hours and I just cleaned the downstairs and settled down for the night feeling very bad about the situation. I don't think I was disrespectful or not much anyway throughout. He just wasn't seeing my thought process and while I saw his, I didn't understand it. Anyway, he called me at lunch today and we talked about it and came to understandings so all is well again.

Later when he got home, we were talking about the issue I was wrestling with and he was trying to settle it for me by saying you will do it. I rolled my eyes a little. I didn't like that. This is a social thing for me that doesn't affect him, so I think it should be my decision. Apparently he was just trying to move that process along. Well, all of a sudden he takes my computer and puts it down and says 'let's go upstairs'. Well, there are only two reasons he says that...spanking or sex. I thought it was the former and was a little scared. It ended up being the latter and I was very happy. So we connected there like we haven't in a while. It was nice and sweet. I still think I may get some swats before the night is out though!

Also today, 6am, my Dad calls to tell me that mother is in the hospital again. Breathing issues the past few days. I just saw her this past weekend. We went for a visit. SHE WAS FINE. She's had something medical going on it seems like every other week for a while now and has been in and out of the hospital for diff things. Well they sent her home with a theory of what is wrong because of cost. If they don't know for certain, kick them out. I swear I hate the medical care where they live, but I can't get them to move because my aunt lives where they live and she has cancer and chemical imbalance issues and can't remember to take her meds if mother isn't chasing her down. So she's home now and I haven't gotten another call, so I guess all is ok there.

My sister has spent every day for the past two months telling me about any interaction between she and her husband who had an affair in Dec. They are still determining what to do. So she's constantly asking me what I think. What I think he means when he says stuff, what I think he wants, what I think he will do, etc... It's exhausting being her personal therapist. Today they met for about the second talk since all this started. Of she calls me about that afterwards. I do have a full-time job. It just exhausting trying to do this all day, especially when you are trying to find out why your mother had to go to the hospital again, you're making up with hubby and you actually have a job to do that has a boss! She's a mommy, so her time is a bit more flexible. I love her though, so I just try to help out the best I can. She hasn't been talking to her mother-in-law much since this happened. She just feels awkward right now. Well they used to talk every day about 2-3 times a day. Too much for me, but whatever. So now, her MIL is freaking out about the lack of contact and just can't give her her space. Soo as usual, guess who has to play therapist? Yep, you guessed it. Me. Like I said, exhausting.

Some days, I wish I could have a drink!

Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely evening.

Mar 14, 2011

Mad as hell

Pardon my language in the header.

I'm in that tough spot I don't get too very often. I'm mad at God. No, I think I'm mad at myself. I'm not sure which. How can I say that? What is wrong with me. God forgive me please!

My friend is ill. Very ill. I pray and pray every day for God to give her some relief, a ray of hope, something. Is that asking too much? Is it? And then it hit me. Either God is too busy somewhere or I'm not praying with a true heart. It has to be the latter. My faith says God is everywhere always and is listening. I truly want to believe that. Ok, but what then? What is the answer? How do we get her help?

I'm mad, truly mad and sad for her. So mad, so sad, I broke down tonight. I feel helpless and I hate that. I want to fix her, make her well, make her free of pain and then take her on a 'girls night out' cruise. Is that asking too much? Apparently so. So, I cry. Then I get mad at myself for that. She needs strong people. She's so much stronger than I am. She needs constant support and I'll be danged if she's not going to get that from me. Buck up! She needs you, you whiney little brat. No matter what, you have to keep the faith.

It's hard though isn't it? Another earthquake, another Tsunami. You pray for those people too. Pray and pray and pray and I still feel helpless.

I think what I need to do for her is reach out to my friends and family and start a massive prayer chain. I don't attend church, but my mother-in-law works at a church and will add her to their prayer meetings. My family will pray if I ask. I have to ask, have to try. I can't hold my prayer beads any tighter.

I need to pray with a truer heart.

------on another note
Tonight was maintenance night. My backside has definitely been peppered. He was going to do it tomorrow just for general purposes. The last time he waited too long, I got real moody and might have ended up soon with a discipline spanking. He doesn't want that and neither do I. So maintenance tomorrow. Only...I didn't want to wait that long. I know, I should just let him go whenever. Honestly though, it would worry me all day and my BP would skyrocket and I can't afford that. So we agreed to go ahead tonight. Then we talked about my sick friend. I was really upset and so was he. He said he couldn't do it in my state. In the end though, he did. Simply I think at that point as a stress reliever (and the reminder it was meant to be to not get an attitude).

I think it was good to go ahead. Sometimes you just have to, especially when you are in those states. It just helps relieve the stress, tension and sadness. Well, to a certain extent anyway. I'm still wound up, but I'm trying not to be disrespectful to my husband.

I was leaving the bedroom and wanted to know something about the hanging clothes of his in the room. He didn't asnwer the question the way I thought he should so I guess I got a little huffy and terse because he said 'watch your tone'. I said yes sir and came downstairs.

He helped me. I shouldn't be terse with him. That wouldn't be fair.

*sigh* This night all of a sudden got exhausting.

Mar 13, 2011

First Post - What am I doing?

Ok, so this is my new blog. I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just making it up as I go along.

I am married but without children. We have been practicing CDD for about a year now. We are still feeling out the waters. I came to my husband with this. He thought I was nuts. Now I think he may be starting to see the benefits of it. I am a fairly headstrong woman who can be independent if needed and needy when not necessarily wanted, so it gets complicated. My husband spanks me for discipline, fun and maintenance. I asked him for this. It's what I felt I needed to get some balance within myself. I've found it can help mentally as well, if not better than taking pills. The balance in the brain I believe to be very real when a spanking occurs. It's a strange phenomenon. Discipline for me is pretty non-existent although it hangs over my head. Majority of the time my husband says I'm too good for that. Although, he will tell everyone I'm nothing but bad!  ; )  Now know this, he doesn't expect as much out of me daily as a lot HoHs. I do respect my husband. He likes to banter with me. It's one of the things that attracted me to him. However, I have in the past bantered to a point of being disrespectful. Well, that level of bantering or disrespect can't happen now. Generally though, my husband spanks for maintenance or fun. He has now gotten over his fears of spanking me. Now, he likes it! Maintenacne for me is a lot about attitude adjustment, mood levels or the fact that I may be teetering on the edge of being mischievious. Hee hee. He doesn't use other forms of discipline or punishment, although he's threatened to take away my computer.

I want him to have more control in the decisions in the house. My body can't take the stress anymore. He has very few rules for me and doesn't believe in assigning me chores. he just asks if I can do stuff. Most of the time though, I just handle things and ask for his help when I need it and ask him if there is anything he needs me to do. So, we are still changing as we go. I think you have to. Some things work and some things don't and he doesn't want to be all-controlling and demanding of me. He's afraid I'd fall apart. I probably would too. So like I said, Maintenance is our main DD type spanking. And, of course, he likes to 'pop' me constantly. Sometimes it's a love pop, sometimes it's because of something I've said, who knows what all else. He's a nut!

This blog is not just about CDD. It's about whatever pops into this messed up little head of mine, because we are not just about CDD. I tend to vent about things that get on my nerves, scare me, interest me, etc...know that. Like I tell folks who know me...tread lightly here. So, what do you do when you don't like the program...change the channel! Hopefully that won't be necessary though.

Off to bed. Work tomorrow. Bleh.

No worries!